Wishes

Vacant souls with pure hearts
thumping up a storm
Shattered dreams with anchored faces
muddled up and in a roar
Storm weathered with cracked smiles and shovels pilling with salty tears
tomorrow the wind whispers the sky will clear
Behind me I hear mumbles and grumbles
Pockets of rocks mounting all corners
willing my leaded legs to roam they stand as if in quick sand
Frozen wishes are scattered all around me too fragile to touch
I reach and open the window and life lifts me
I closed my eyes so tight and feather flew

Just the way life is

Last year I was so annoyed with the fact that every time I saw a commercial it was related to depression and some new anti depressant drug out there. If you were not depressed you became it by listening to those commercials. Now it seems like I do not even hear the depression commercials because it seems like every commercial is catering to announcing some cancer center and if not then it's some new drug that can affect someone who has cancer or a history of it and if not then it's a law firm saying if you got cancer because of exposure to this or that then call. I wish there was a way that I could pick the types of commercials that come on. Every where I turn, I hear something about cancer it seems like I will always be reminded of it in some way or other.
Anyway I am sleeping better finally I was prescribed medication called Amitriptyline. Ironically it is also used as an antidepressant. In my case the gastro suspects the vagus nerve was damaged during the thyroidectomy. There is no test for it and there is no cure. I can get only symptomatic relief. There is so many things that have gone so unexpectantly with this surgery. Today I walked in the snow and was struggling to breathe. I feel like I have asthma now. John told me to see a speech therapist so she could teach me to breathe better. So much has changed I try not to cry and feel sorry for myself. New years is around the corner and I am afraid to even wish. Last year John said it would be our year and look what happened. I need to pick myself up but I feel really down. God I know you are listening please let things just get better from now on.

Darkness and thoughts

I feel something is shifting and I am relieved and yet afraid. All these months I have been sick I really have not had the chance to talk about my deepest fears and concerns with getting hit with this disease. I feared once the calm would come the avalanche of all else would follow. I had no time to contemplate on the experience because my thoughts was mostly on the pain of the constant nausea and stomach aches that would not let me sleep or rest. Now I find thoughts are starting to trickle through. Snapshots are going off in my head. It is very hard to be the same with my sister I want to block the way she was with me but it comes back in memories and it stings. She would see me throw up and just look at me and not ask me if I was ok. She would see me cry at night and not say a word. She ran all the time to her friends house. My dad never said much to me either. I know he wished me well but there was no you are going to make it, or I am sorry this is happening to you, he dropped off mom at the hospital but did not come up. I know he is going through terminal cancer but I have always taken care of him. I guess I will till he is passed. That is what I am made of. But it hurts. All of it does. I am left with the survivors guilt. How can I triumphed when he can't. No one can ever understand my scars. No one. As much as I want to forget this whole experience I can't it was the worst thing I have gone through. I just do not want to be an angry Cancer survivor. I want to be so unkind to the people who were not there but I know I will hurt more for this than they will. I feel like I need some time alone now. To be free from everyone. The apartment feels so crowded with my experiences and tears from the last 4 and a half months. I feel bound to this time in my life. I wish I could leave for a whole month and I just may do that.

Will the clouds ever part for me?

It rains hard and heavy in my heart
My eyes turn and look above
I ask myself where does the pain go when I cannot hold it in anymore
will the clouds ever part?
rain has gathered and made pools rounds my feet
so gentle and clean
everyone dancing in it except me
I look at the sky and ask will the clouds ever part for me?

submission

I am addicted to the manipulation of words. As if the composition of a few words coming together to form a sentence could articulate and fill this void. I saw an interview with an author who also happens to have cancer and is doing chemo therapy treatments. Almost everything he experienced I could relate to in some shape or form. When asked about his experience with the treatment he said "It was a passive experience, watching poison drip down that IV and into my body". "It felt like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it". That is exactly how I felt taking my radiation pill. I remember feeling dirty like there was no amount of water( believe u me I drank a jug) or showers that could wash the poison from my body or soul. I knew it was not contagious and yet I felt Branded. I could read so clearly the eyes of those close and not so close to me when they would see what I was going through. How awful for her and thank God it is not me. I did have a sense of helplessness when making one of if not the most important decision of my life. Do I take the radiation and increase my chances of surviving and maybe increase chances of getting other cancers from the radiation, and or deal with all the risky side effects. In the end I did make a decision not to fight the "drip". There seem like there was hope for me. So I pay the price. I sold it all without thinking twice. I swallowed the pill so quickly even the doctor was taken a back. He mistook my fear for bravery. I knew that if I thought....So I went in to a numb place in my mind and robotically picked the pill up and told myself to swallow the "concoction". You see by not giving myself a choice I excused myself from logic. My mind no longer responded for my body. The were independently helping me get through this. The mind gave the command and the body allowed it to happen. I let go and swallowed.

wondering

Today I read an interesting article about someone who had cancer. He happens to have esophageal cancer in the last stage. He also happens to be an author. I was moved on how he described how having cancer affects him, friends, loved ones and even strangers. I wish sometimes my words could articulate completely how I feel. A skill I secretly and openly envy. Cancer changes you like nothing does. I guess if you have not gone through it you cannot really relate. Today I spent the day sick with nausea. I make the decision to ignore it almost like being in denial. This is the only way I can get through the day and enjoy the things I want to enjoy. I now sleep better. The pain and nausea still wake me but I have learned to ignore it. When it gets real bad I get up and sit on the sofa. I barely cry at night anymore or curse "who knows" in the dark. I also read another story about ww2 pilots who were lost at sea for over 40 days. It was one of the most fascinating stories I read. It was around 6 pages short and I tell u I was in such suspense I sat at the edge of my seat. Many times they fell asleep with Sharks circling or nudging from underneath their raft. My mind immediately went to my sleeping struggles with the abdominal pain and nausea. I said to myself the mind is incredible!!! It shuts down whether through exhaustion or will. I said it is powerful. I never thought I could be in such a painful but powerful place. I know it is up to me to get me up and running. I have to be my cheerleader. I have to keep myself distracted from this pain. My pain is the sharks. It threatens to eat me and consume. I have to stand and mentally choose the side to stand on. I can be consumed by this "body war" or I can choose to live. Dad doesn't say much when he sees my pain but he shows me. I read it in his eyes. He is courageous to me. Maybe this is his last gift to me. He is a warrior!!!!!

Words seem empty

I am feeling really low and I do not know how to get out of this hole. I am praying God has not grown weary of my pleads and tears. I am simple folk with a simple plea. I guess I should get in line with the thousands of mothers who are also pleading for health for their children at sloan kettering. My pain is real and I have grown tired of hearing myself feel sick. I moan and groan and it echos. My doctors have quietly turned away they are stumped and do not know what to say. I want to make plans for my future and all I do is make appts to get me through the next day. Too many doctors names to remember, too many dates of important information, too many pills I have tried in a short time. I am here with no Cancer for now so I should be grateful but I am also sick. I never was sick like this for so long. My body seems to have turned against me. Angry I am not sure what. My mind is relentless and plays all sorts of tricks on me. Every time I see a bump I think it could be Cancer. I will have to learn to stop asking Why? Who made that word anyway. It is hollow and hurtful.

Don't care anymore

Why should I try to force a relationship or relationships when they do not come easy. I am tired of pretending it does not hurt. I still feel sick and doctors do not know why? I have faith I just wonder how much more. I see the pain. You just wore me down. I do not believe in you anymore. I can't understand life. I really can't. My head hurts and my heart is heavy

Dad

Dad has been in the hospital for two days now. He started chemo and that night he did not feel well. He waited till the morning and went to the hospital. They said he had had a small heart attack. He is alright now and still in intensive care. I am not sure if he is able to continue the treatment now. Besides worrying about him. I am still in somewhat same predicament in terms of my stomach. I can't sleep because the pain wakes me up and I have the "runs". Every morning I cry because it feels like I have been food poisoned. The doctors are not sure why this is happening and I am sick and tired. I think John is worried and so am I. This has lasted for over a month. I am scared and want to get better soon. I am sending out a prayer for dad and I. I know God is listening and he will give me strength to get through this. Amen

hasta cuando?

Dios mio te estoy escribiende porque no se que mas decir.
Te encuentro silencioso
quisiera sabar que piensas
el porque no tiene sentido
tal vez es mi ignorancia
quien soy yo?
en tus hojos
quiciera saber mi valor
estoy aqui
muy sufrida y confundida esperando tu repuestas
quien so yo?
yo si creo en milagros
yo si creo en ti
crees en Mi?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi y mi situacion
hay alevio en mi futuro?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi
te quiero
me quieres?
Si lo pienso asi!

Sleep Escapes me yet again

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I wish the doctors could help me out. For the past mont and three weeks I cannot sleep during the night or during the day for that matter. Once I fall asleep my stomach pains wake me up. At first I thought it was Acid Reflux because it was a burning in my stomach. Now I do not feel the burning as much but the pain wakes me up and does not let me sleep. I crave sleep so bad. I would have recovered better by now if it were not for this problem. Sleeping is critical for normal people let alone someone who is recovering from surgery. Doctor said to me today she never had a patient with a problem to this extent. I dread the night it causes anxiety because I know I wish it were different. The doctor drew blood today and asked me about my Calcium levels and if I felt those symptoms( lip falling asleep) I said no. She tapped on my face and said good no twitch( a sign that would have indicated something was abnormal with my calcium level) She mentioned that if the blood test came back normal then maybe she could cut back on the amount of citracal I am taking. Presently I am taking it 3 times a day with four vitamin D hormones to absorb the calcium. I am hopeful. This would help if my parathyroids kicked in for me. Lord I need me some help. I pray. Dad continues treatment tomorrow. I know he is anxious about it. I could tell in his voice. I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind but I cannot. He does not see a therapist and to tell you the truth should have been on some type of "calming meds" a long time ago. Anyways I will try to lay down and close my eyes again. I envy everyone in the house that is able to sleep. My sister, husband, and even the two dogs that snore.

stomach still not right

I feel like no one can really understan what I am going through. I dread sleeping cause I know it will not be restful. I mean I want to sleep so bad in peace and not wake up to stomach ache and my limbs falling asleep on me. My old life seems so long ago. I watched my husband sleep this morning and I wonder what is he dreaming of. It must be so nice to surrender to the pillow and sheets and know you will wake up better for it. My only escape from this time has been compromised. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but when....????? and how????. I have an appt with my head and neck doctor on sep 3. He will tell me if I can do the endoscopy based on my issues with breathing. Then they will do the endoscopy. My concern is that my voice has not healed completely because my vocal branch was cut. But my stomach is upset and it hurts. During the day I really do not feel hunger. I have a false sense of feeling full. The pain only gets worst when I lay down to sleep. If it's because of all the calcium I am taking I cannot stop. Parathyroids have not kicked in yet. Praying to God it gets better. I take calcium all day and it's not easy. I want to make peace with the changes I have had to make but it is real hard. My husband seems a little out of touch with me. He just wants to be outside. I do not blame him because all I do is cry and complain about my pain. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am tired, lonely and sad.

Need to stay calm

I want to get better and I am trying very hard to stay optimistic. Certain things have improved but this process has not been easy either. I am taking meds all day and I have been to so many doctors and have so many appts that I can't keep it straight. I get panicked during the day and have to have a lot of pep talks. Mostly I pray and ask God fro strength to face the day. I get this anger at my situation and it just comes over me. I feel like breaking every thing in sight. I know I should not feel sorry for myself but I do. I just want to feel better and not wake up ill. Well my fears are so many now. My calcium seems a little hard to control. My chest hurts a lot and I wake up with nausea and stomach ache. I know it's not psycho somatic because the pains wake me up. I fall back to sleep rubbing my stomach and pleading with God for help. The doctors tell me to take more medications. Then you read the side effects to those and you get scared. I do not like the internet for information because you read so much scary stories that it only makes me more nervous. Lord I pray I get better. I pray that my parathyroids "kick in" on their on and I pray that my stomach stops hurting. Amen

The book of Job

So a very good friend of mine has recommended I read the book of Job during thie time. Although I would not say she is the most spriritual person I am encouraged by her insintance and faith in my recovery. At first it seems too lenghthy and sad. Eventhough I have been sick and want to pull out my hair I pick up the Bible and read up on Job. What strikes me most is the human side of him. He genuinely is suffering and pleading with God for some relief as I am too. He also feels like no one understands his situation. Interestingly he also feels like people have pulled away and distance themselves from him. I too have felt very alone at times with my recovery. In part I know it's psychological. You can't help feeling alone when does around you try to understand but really can't because you alone are going through this. The other part is that during illness you get to know who your true friends and family are. I pray not to become bitter with does I considered my fam and friends and have "abandon" me. I pray my focus will be on being grateful for all the miracles on my behalf. I woke up with severe pain and nausea again. Today I did not cry I just prayed for strength. I know in my heart one day I will sleep an entire night and not be suffered or fear it. I will rest as peacefully as does around me. As God intended for me to do. I Believe.

despair

I had the surgery on June 22 and since then I have been so sick. I am grateful that the cancer is gone. I just wish I was not so sick. I cry day in and day out from my frustrations. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am finally learning to sleep with pain. I did not think this was possible. It's almost like your mind and body adapt somewhat to it in order to survive. I wake up a lot with my stomach feeling like it's on fire and I feel very nausous. My lower back hurts so much and my chest feels tight and sometimes feel sharp little stabs. Doctor said she never came across a patient that had issues like this after thyroidectomy. I almost feel like maybe I am making this whole issue up. Then the acids start to produce and I know this is real pain. I have no conrol over it. I have control to a certain extent how I react to people because of it. I try not to be so sad and misrable or angry. I am. I see people making summer plans and I am jeoulus. I want to swim and spend a day in the park and I cannot. I feel like my life is no life is waking up to this sickness. The doctor changed my calcium to one that should not irritate my stomach as much as the other one and I still feel sick. I just started this yesterday so I am hoping and praying I will get better. My friend said to read the book of Job. I am and I am praying a lot. I plead for his mercy and some relief.

Dear Love

I am not sure how this has happened
I am sorry for the stress and sadness this has caused you
We were so planning on being parents this year
It breaks my heart to be the cause of all this
I did not plan to get sick
here I am
a burden once more
can't breathe
can't sleep
nausea all the time
I am so misarable
Cancer gone
Now I am left with such issues
14 pills a day in counting
stomach fills ill now all the time
food does not taste the same
nor do i want it
but I am stuck seeing so many dcotors
feeling so ill
I do not believe nor do I care
I am tired hun and I want to turn back the hands
I am to dance once last dance and lay in your arms one full night and fall asleep in them soundly
life I am not sure about it anymore
I am tired of fighting and its just begun
God have mercy on me

very ill

So Sad

I am so frustrated with my body and I have to make peace with her. How do you accept your body when it does not feel like you anymore. I want to cry and yet the tears will not come I want to scream and yet the sound will not come. God grant me strength because I feel like I am about to fall. Heaven has to be better than this.

Waking up in this new body

I woke up again to severe heartburn. I have had it for more than three weeks and I cannot sleep. I wake up with nausea and it hurts so bad. It feels like my stomach is on fire. Besides that I am sleeping with 5 pillows to keep an upright position. I am trying to be optimistic but it's hard and I feel somewhat doomed. No one completely understands what I am going through. I feel like a walking zombie. No sleep, No mental rest and I am reminded and some level to be grateful they found the cancer. I am. Its just that this regime of pills and being sick is really fucking with my psych. I wake up feeling like today will be different and then I realize I have to this routine all over again. I wake up nauseous and then I still have to take my meds. Then I have to remind myself of what to eat cause I really do not feel like eating at all. My taste buds are bland , doctor said I still have radiation in throat. Worst case lasted a few months. To tell you the truth I do not care about food that much. Its funny how I am conditioning my mind to not care for it. I miss food especially when I am around people eating it. I start to feel sad. Besides it tasting differently I know my stomach cannot have it. I will suffer for the rest of the day and night. All around I feel my life has changed. I just wish I did not have to be reminded round the clock ( this happens cause I take medicine from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep). I am praying that my parathyroids kick in so that I will have to take less calcium pills a day. I take 3 huge calcium pills 3 times a day , along with two hormone pills to absorb the calcium, then I take my hormone pill in the morning and I was taking another hormone pill 2 a day. and nexium pill once a day. I have lossed about 14lbs in about a month. I would have lossed more but I was so hypo my metabolism was slow. Anyway as you can tell from this blog I need to talk to someone. I will see my therapist friday. Dad will start his chemo today. I am afraid to see how he will make out. he is already thin and fragile. Yesterday I saw an aunt who had a sroke and it was hard for me to be around her. I guess if it's hard for me I can imagine how hard it is for my siblings to be around me or my husband. He sneaks off to smoke. Since this started he has picked up smoking again. I do not think he ever fully stoped but at least it was less. Now he is back to full fledge excuses for leaving the apartment or me. It';s because he wants to smoke so bad. The other day I went to look for him and he was by a coffee shop and he had a ciagarette in hand. I observed him for a bit he looked relaxed with coffee in hand. I know it sounds wrong but I felt jealous of him. He looked so calm and clearly was enjoying himself and without me. Peace and escape I wish I had. Well that is all for now. I pray my side effects get better.

Body scan is clear

So I did the body scan it took about 2o min. The results soon followed. Doctor called me in and sat us down it seemed like he was making small talk and I was so scared. I looked at my scans on the screen and I swore there was cancer spread and there. However he asked how I felt and then paused and told me that he would see me in a year. I stood up in disbelief and felt like I was about to collapse. I knew that I should be grateful and I was but I knew I felt like a train had also hit me and wonder if this was how I was going to live out the rest of my life. Hypo and sick. I could not even think my mind is so slow I can hardly articulate much. My breathing is screwed up. and I got severe heartburn that won't let me sleep. Besides that I get this panick inside of me like I am going to die. I cannot explain this feeling it feels like I need air and I want to leave this body. I do not recognize it as my own. It has changed so much. I do feel disconnected from everyone even my husband. I feel he cannot truly understand what I am going through I mean no one can. I am afraid and I do not know who to turn to for comfort and to ease my anxiety. I am not so much afraid of death as I am afraid of the dying. I do not want to be afraid and in pain. well this is all for now.

night before scan

hey,
night before body scan and I kind of can't sleep. I am not sure how this work. I guess I may get results tomorrow as to whether the cancer spread or not. I am praying it did not. Anyway I woke up with nauseau. Yesterday I spent the day crying for myself. So many changes in short period of time it is so hard to adjust to all these medications and doctor visits. I can't imagine what people do when they have children and this type of situation going on. Interestingly I also see through this who can truly give affection and who is uncomfortable with it. My sister is spending more time outside of the house. I felt hurt cause I think she is running away from me. Her friend has offered her a key to stay at her place and at night she has been staying over there and coming in the mornings. I asked her why she was doing this and she says she "needs some a lone time". I get it and I guess I do not. The fact is that she was here over 7 months and did not need a lone time. She barely left this house nor did she like it if we did stuff on our own. She never thought to give us "our space". Now I am sick and I need her around me and she can't deal with it. Does it hurt, I think so. At the same time I just have to focus on myself and get better. I will sort things out later. I know I will get used to being a lone one day it's just a lot has happened and I am scared. I mean I have not returned to my room since radiation treatment. I cried so much in that room during those 3 days that I can't go in there yet. so I am camped out in my living room. Which I do not think Julie likes. I think she feels like we are in her space. That is one of the reasons she leaves. I feel like she has to understand my predicament. She should also be more flex able. Anyway during this time it also has been hard cause I can't really go downstairs as much as I wold like to. My sister in law is now staying with her mom. I am happy she is helping her out cause she also just had surgery. Today she did n0t look like she was in good spirits either she was in a lot of pain. Well I am getting sleepy again and this is a good time. will try to sleep some before I have to get up and deal with the scan situation.

I miss you

Healing how do you begin?

How do you begin to heal? The doctors just tell you what you have and how to get it out but no one prepares you for the What ifs? No one really prepares you for the changes you will experience. No one really tells you how sick you can get. I guess if the doctors did then you would not go through with the procedure. I have never felt so alone in my life. The only thing I can think of is that for every day I have felt alone in this world I have also felt loved. God has let me know that in this time of need he is with me. How can he let me know you say. I say it's as simple as someone sharing their story with me, giving me a word of encouragement, a hug from a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a couch to lay on while I feel sick, a squeeze of a hand, a wink in of the eye, and yes even my health insurance person who patiently helped me today when I did not make total sense.
I am so hypo today my mind cannot think clearly enough. It takes so much energy to talk I get very winded easily. I sound so incoherant at times. I wake up nauseaus and I sleep feeling nauseaus. Can't keep much food either. I feel traped in my own body. If I had a crystal ball and took a peak at this particular time, I do not know whether I would have the guts to go through with this.
Some people recover and I knew it would not be easy for me. However I have a hard time believing I mind or pessimism could have changed my outcome. I walk up from surgery with breathing problems, I woke up from surgery with my vocal branch cut by the doctor, I woke up from surgery with only two parathyroids. So I did not do these changes to my body. My surgeon says he would not have made anything different. His decisions to do what he did was based on me not developing cancer down the line. I just wish the doctors would have searched sooner because then maybe my vocals, lymphnodes, and breathing would have been different. and now my story would have changed. but it is what it is. So since there is no blue print or manual I guess each person writes there own. I have to have faith and strengh in the lord. He is the only person that can pull me through this one.

RAI phase 2

So a lot has happened. It's been now 3 weeks since surgery and I feel like yrs have gone by. Not in terms of quickness but in the terms of volume of things I have had to do for myself along with the emotional roller coaster. Tomorrow I will be going for my radiation treatment. Today was part one. I ingested some radiation today and I was scanned but tomorrow I will get the complete dosage. I have done my best to prepare as best as I could under the short circumstances. My endo was sort of not on top of things. Because he was not I am now extremely hypo. I am forced last minute today the RAI and I was not able to go on the low Iodine diet that reinforces the cell receiving the radiation. I am really weak and can do minimal at this point. My memory is off at times and so is my concentration. I am extremely tired. My doctor want me to do this so I can get on hormones med asap. I am irritable, tired and sleep deprived because of those damn spasm. Doctor says its due to no hormone problem should regulate once I have hormones in me. My breathing is still labored very scary and weird. And my voice well is off because surgeon cut off a vocal branch. This should get better with time but its hard for me to speak at times and I sound very techno or digitilized as one person put it. This should get better with time. However my voice may or may not be the same. Doc said I will know in a couple of months how I will sound permanently.

So given the changes that I have gone threw am I scared of more complications. The answer is Heck yeah. I will try my best to relax. The hardest part of this part of treatment is that I have to be sequestered. So no hugs, kisses and sleeping with hubby for a couple of days. I will try to be more positive and pray a lot. My cup is full. I just have to keep telling myself this has to get better. This is all so exhausting. Well see ya.

Post thyroidectomy

So 1 week and 1 day post thyroidectomy. Yesterday was the hardest so far I was so ill I feared going back to the hospital. But before I talk about that let me try to recapture some details about the aftermath of surgery.

When I got out of surgery I felt completely ill. I felt groggy and my neck felt tight I also felt like I could not breathe right. Which that to me was the scariest feeling so far. The hospital took forever in letting me get to my room. So I spent about 4 hours in the recovery room not really recovering with all the activities going on in there. I spent the night which was nice. I had trouble sleeping because of that drainage tube they leave in your neck for a week. You literally walk around with the excess fluid and blood from your neck and then they have to empty it out every so often Yuck! Next day they bring a roommate in who takes one look at me and makes a not so nice comment. I guess she thought I looked antisocial because I did not say anything to her. The truth was I could barely speak after surgery. My voice sounded like Mickey Mouse. Anyway as we got to talking she wanted to know what I had and I told her. She drove me nuts for two days cause I could hear her talking about me for two days and saying that poor girl is going to die. I forgave her cause I saw she was old and did not know any better. Anyway when it was time to leave I was so happy to. Mom and Dad Picked me up from the hospital they insisted on doing this. They visited for a while then went home. That night I started to feel tingly sensations on my arms , I ignored it then I went to the bathroom and my legs from knee down went numb like and I felt like I had never felt before pin like sensation on my legs. STill went back to bed then it happened again. Except my legs got real hard and ridged. I called for my husband and I told him somethings wrong. We called the surgeon at 3 am and asked and he said go to emergency room. I told them what had happened and they told me my calcium levels dropped. Now my doctor only saved two para thyroids and I knew this could happen. So now 2 more days at the hospital with Calcium pills every 6 hours. I still felt some tingly but it was getting better. First night at the hospital I felt like I was going to get a panick attack. I did not want to be there and I felt so sick and afraid. Next day still more calcium and me gagging every time cause it hurts to swallow. Anyway they finally release me with this calcium schedule of 1500 calcium meds 4 times a day. I start to gag and can barely eat. Eating all these pills on an empty stomach is not easy. Now I wake up and I am nausea all the time and I can't use the bathroom. My friend came over to keep me company and I spent the day miserable and crying. My hands and feet were so cold. I put on gloves and socks to keep me warm. Mind you it's almost july and I am freezing. Anyway by the end of the I take a stool softner and that did it. I spent 3 hours ill after that on the "bowl". After sometime I noticed warmth started to come back in to my hands. That night I felt some relief but I still could not breathe right and felt really weak. So I packed an overnight hospital bag just in case. I managed to fall asleep and today I felt relief. It was the first day I was hungry. So I sort of binged on everything under the sun. It could not have been a much nicer day it was cool and sunny. Right now I am getting sleepy and my neck is hurting me. I believe my nerves are waking up in they are not too happy. Tomorrow I will visit with endo to discuss RAI. Wish I did not have to do this but have to.

Night before thyroidectomy

It's 1:oo am in the morning and everyones sleeping. I am getting a little drowsy because of the half a "k" I took to help me go to sleep. Before I drift off I had to get some thoughts in. I have spent two days cleaning this house. Can't really figure out why the need but it definitely helped with the nerves. I was tired today and I cleaned the whole kitchen and my room. Feel like the house is in good shape. Anyway Julie picked up Reina this morning on her way back from kerry's house. We spent the day watching Alice and Wonderland with Johnny Depp and it was better than I had expected. Then we went to eat at Life Cafe I had this great Mac and Cheese and I could not finish it all. Anyway I left them to go and see John's fam and to tell them about my surgery tomorrow. I told Maria not to come because she is not well herself. I told my mom not to come either because John was going to be there, Julie and maybe even Rain. When I spoke to Marvin I said the same thing that I would see him another time. To tell you the truth it is hard when you have so many people waiting to see. Although I must say I am touched by everyones concern for me.

Anyway I also went to see mom and Dad. We talked a bit and then just before I left mom and dad prayed for me and John. I was expecting to get sentimental but I did not. I feel like I am going through the motions of getting things done. Not sure if it will hit me once i'm at the hospital. Eventhough I told mom to stay a part of me wished she was going to be there. I also feel I have to be grown up and deal with it. The night was nice and definitely hot. I said to John I wish we could drive around all night and then go to surgery he smiled and teasingly answered "you want to". Maybe I feel as long as I do not fall asleep maybe time would stop. I pray all goes well for me. I pray that this is the beginning of me feeling like my old self. I pray that one day I may have a great story to tell.

Weirdly going back to my parents my dad mentioned to me that I should be fine. At first I felt he was being dismissive but then I realized he is just trying to reassure me. I almost felt guilty about the fact that there is hope for me and yet they can't operate on him. Talk about survivors guilt. Dad I just want to tell you here that I love you very much. You mentioned today that you pray that you go in your sleep or painlessly so that all those around you do not see you suffering in a bed and I will pray that your wish comes true. I also do not wish to see you suffer. In the end you said Lord let thy will be done. I guess he is in control and I relinquish it all to him. Amen

The day is nearing

I spent the day with my husband. My sister went upstate for two days and she will be back tomorrow. She coordinated coming back hear with my friend in the morning. I guess they will try to keep me busy. I am feeling anxious and excited at the same time. I want this to be over(operation). While at the same time am scared to death. I spent the weekend cleaning and trying to distract myself. My mind just wanders to dark and heavy things. How will this affect me and John in the future. Today is Father's day and I did not get to speak to dad because he went to church and when he came back he was sleeping. I kept thinking what if this is going to be his last father's day with us and I did not make it a point to see him. I have a way of I guess torturing myself. I know he knows I am getting myself ready for surgery but I always feel like I should be doing more for others. Anyway my husband mentioned again he can't wait to be a dad. He said that is what he wants the most in the world. I said to him that let's not talk about that cause it puts a lot of pressure on me. Especially with what is happening to my body. I sometimes want to give up. The depression is dragging me down. I keep praying that I will not come out of this worst then when I came in. Life cannot continue to beat me. I pray for the best. I have to say that over all I feel loved. People do care about me and are wishing the best for me. I have been taking the "K" almost every night to sleep and tonight will not be the exception. I need to sleep and not think anymore.

Time can't stop

Lately I dream of when I was a child

No cares

Just lazy summers in the grass

I want that innocence back

My concerns where so small

they did seem like mountains at the time

My friend did not want to talk to me

The bully at school picked on me

Bad haircut for school pictures

So trivial

and yet so safe

We were pretty much all ok

alive

and well

yep those were the days

i'ts all set

They phoned me from the hospital to tell me my surgery was set for tuesday. I try to prepare myself but I am really scared. I try not to read what's on the internet but at the same time I cannot help myself. I want to connect with someone who is going through what I am going through. Then I start to read all the horrible stories out there. I start to read that my hair will fall out and that I will have more depression, and gain lots of weight. I am terrified of losing my hair. God I am so scared I wish you could come down and tell me I will be ok. I wish you could tell me in person that you will not give me a cross I cannot bear. I just do not get why me.

Perfect example today I came across my crazy sister in law who attacked me physically. It has been months since the assault. I guess she started to come around again. I am not blaming my mother in law because as a mom she is concerned and after all that is her daughter. However this was not the first time she tried to hit me. The first time I just walked away. She said some mean things to me and I overlooked it for the sake of the family. She never apologized for it either. A couple of months later she come up drunk wanting to hit me. I yelled at her to shut up and leave and that is when she charged at me. Thank God my husband was there so that he could see with his own two eyes what she did to me. She later turned and kicked my sister in the stomach with the heel of her shoe. When my husband defended her she turned on him too and attacked him physically and verbally.

She needs help and I get that. However I do not see her going in to rehab or changing her ways.

What I do see happening is that she will be on her best for now till she get's back in and then she will have her breakdown again and hit someone again. As far as I am concerned I will never trust her again. This may create problems and a wedge between my mother in law and me. However I know I am a good person and all I ever do is give people chances and personally I am tired of being a hypocrite. In the end all I want to be is neutral towards her. I do not wish evil on her but at the same time I do not need her toxicity in my life. Especially going through all the shit that I am going through. Too much on my plate. My mother in law has to know me by now. I have been there for her when she was sick and her daughter could care less. If she chooses to side with her. I wish them well.

I have had to deal

Today I am looking up on how to deal with a dying loved one. I have had to care for my dad's problems for as long as I could remember. I love my dad and I know he did the best he could but I just never really got to understand him. Now doctors are saying they cannot do anymore and in my last caring for details I am looking up on how to best take care of him when the time comes. I have felt sick for days. I know I have to face a long road of preparations. I have to talk to his doctor about this chemo that may or may not work. At the same time come to terms with the reality of it all. My hope is that he goes quickly and does not suffer much. I have tried all my life to facilitate things for him. Now I feel so a lone and hopeless. I always find a way to make situations a little better or easier. That is what I did as a kid and still continue to do. At times I felt like it was not fair that I had to care for them even as adult but I tried to understand there limitations. Besides after all they are my parents. As I also face my mortality I find this new period in my life mixed with so many emotions. Moms not well either. For the first time in my life I see her slowing down as well. She has rheumatoid arthritis and she is in a lot of pain. I can feel my heart so heavy it scares me.

Not sure how this story will continue and end but I am re visiting every bit of hope, dream and ideas I had for my future. Not sure now if I do have this baby if dad will be around and the thought makes me real sad. At the same time I am thinking that if I do have a child one day he or she will have to go through the pain of losing me. somehow this does not make sense anymore. Maybe I am not thinking clearly right now. I pray for strength, peace and hope for us all.

simply unfair

So much is going on I do not know where to start. So doc tells me dad's tumors are getting bigger and that he should do the embolization procedure. He is at risk of a heart attack but he really does not have a choice. I am now juggling our appts.

On my end my lab work came back that something is abnormal with my clotting so I cannot go in to surgery just yet. They also lost my labs so I had to repeat them. I may get answers by Friday. Anyway I am worried about having this procedure and I am also worried about my dad. He does not look so well he weighs now 125lbs and looks very thin. I want to to cry because I feel so much weight and heavyness on my shoulders. Tomorrow I get his pre op lab work done and speak to his doctor about the procedure. As I mentioned my sister is here with me but she does not seem too motivated to help me figure this out with dad. I know she has a thing with dad but I feel at this stage in our life it is time to let go and deal with it. She has never felt that sense of responsibility for my parents do way I do. As they are getting older I would have thought she would have changed but she has not. I am not sure why she is this way and tell you the truth it is not only unfair to me it is upsetting for me to see. I cannot change the fact that she now lives with me and I cannot run away from her. At some level I know I am disappointed with her. I just wonder why God allows so much pain in this world. I do not get it. Right now I am so confused and overwhelmed. I just want to run a way.

Silence in my heart

I am going to lay here very still

My arms will rest by my side

I will not move left or right

I will however

let the wind ease me in to some sleep

I promise

I will be so quiet you won't hear me

I will not cry I will not scream

I will let life be

MY heart can't break anymore

I can hear my heart breaking

I have cried for it all

I have cried so much I cannot cry anymore

Do I think life is unfair

I have to say F........yeah!!!!!!!

I saw dad today

gaunt and very ill

sunken cheek bones don't look so good

Doc says he too has cancer

Can't breathe anymore

Too close too home

want to run away from it all

I tried and there is not much I can do

I am now sick too

God I am not sure where the lesson lies in all this

crying for some mercy from above

I am on my knees and praying for some relief

Rain Lord let it Rain

Wash it!

Wash it all away!

Counting the days

The clock is ticking and I am very present in time. The days seem to go too quickly and I cannot stop the inevitable. I know I should have faith and I do but it does not stop this fear that comes over me. So much conflicting information out on the internet it is hard to distinguish what is what. My nerves are getting to the better of me at this point. No one really wants to talk about the Elephant in the room. I wish I could just sleep until the day of surgery. If I cry it seems like I am throwing a pity party. So I am frozen and just shuffle a long and do the things that a big girl is supposed to do. My sister took me shopping for hospital bottoms and I could care less. I mentioned that dad may have to do the embolization for his liver tumors and she just shook her head. If he does the procedure next week I might still be re covering from my surgery. That is the least. According to doctors with his bad heart he may not make it out or he may end up having a heat attack. The last 3 times they tried he went in to abnormal heart rhythm and they stopped the procedure. Now they still have not determined whether it is cancer but they are still growing. I have a lot on my plate right now. I just do not need this added worry. I guess I cannot control what the guy above decides.

Memorial day weekend

My husband and I went away this weekend to the Catskills and had a great mini vacation. He wanted to surprise me and take me away before surgery. I can't say how much we enjoyed ourselves. We stayed at this quaint Bed and Breakfast. The room was real nice but the most amazing feature was the view. Our room was on the second floor of the house and it faced this stream. I was so excited because I love the ramblings of any water. We immediately opened all the windows. Music to my ears. That night I was lulled to sleep by the sound of it. The room was filled with fresh country air. The exact remedy for my sad soul.

The next day we went hiking. I left my socks in the room so I changed to my sneakers and had to put them on with no socks. John had these casual shoes he put on. As you can tell we were city folks trying to hike. As we start the trail we run in to the stream. No sooner do I step on a rock than I slip and my sockless feet get all wet. I yell cause the water is cooooooooolllllllllllllld. Any way as we continue the hike I notice there is no clear path up this hill. There is mud, water and huge rocks to dodge. It was not so bad because it actually very shady and cool. It was also very peaceful and I love all the foot bridges we came across.

We also saw Iron Man which was not that bad. The small theatre on mainstream was very unusual it housed in the front a subway,Carvel, and Paint ball rental equipment. In the back was the theatre. It was like any other theatre except for the chairs. They were more like office chairs than recliners. Attached to the rails were small trays that you can use to put your subway food on. I liked this feature.

One other thing that I really enjoyed was this quilt shop that I wanted to bring back home with me. They had all these beautiful fabrics. Made me want to start sewing again.

Over all I had a great time. Now I am back home. Trying to figure out what else I have to do before surgery. I will finish my crown work tomorrow, finally! and I also have to get a chest x ray. I pray they don't see anything there.

nonsensical ramblings

I feel like there is something chasing me

It clings to my thoughts and drapes over my soul

I wish my thoughts would stop stalking me

I want to breathe tonight

I want to not think of the changes my life will soon have

I know it seems crazy and highly unlikely

but my mind plays tricks

I fear the Cancer has spread

It's almost like a ticking bomb

waiting to be set off

Paranoia is my worst enemy now

Positive my friends say

I never possessed this trait so how do I start now

Lord I am pleading I am in your hands now

Mom says I am strong

I say if you only new

I am ready to fall on my knees any minute now

Long day

As the day gets closer to surgery I am filled more with anxiety and dread. I want to run away from here so bad. In my fantasy world I could leave all this behind and start all over with John. I guess my husband is feeling it too. I thought he had quit smoking and today I felt his pocket by mistake and I felt that familiar box. I said "what's this" and he just said nothing and removed my hand. I told him he must quit he has to be healthy for both of us but I guess easier said than done. I guess if I found out that he had Cancer maybe I would smoke too. He has been promising me that he would stop for 11 yrs and I truly had hoped he had stopped although I had my suspicions. The plan was that we both would get as healthy as possible before conceiving.

On another note I got an invitation to one of his friends baby shower. When I saw the invitation I was filled with mixed emotions. I even started to cry. I am happy for our friends and yet I felt sad for two reasons. One is because I will not be able to make it because I will go in to surgery that week. Second because of selfish reasons. I guess I felt sad because I was hoping I would be pregnant soon and instead I am forced to postpone for another year due to cancer and Rai. My husband said don't worry it will be us too one day. He is the optimist in the relationship. In many ways a blessing in disguise. It would not be healthy if the both of us had a sour outlook on life. My husband really did not tell any of his friends and I guess he is now forced to tell them the reason why we will not be making it to the baby shower. I did get excited about making her a knitted blanket. So I guess I am not too sour about the whole pregnancy thing on my end. I will leave it in God's hands. If I will be a mommy someday then I guess it really will be meant to be.

Sorrow

Sorrow has reared it's ugly head

It has come alive as prickly and Spiny as a parasite

Prophetically it has graced his paws upon my throat

Bellied with delight at my sad night

I feel eerily exposed

Restless I search for comfort like in my mother's womb

The night is upon me like a fragmented dream

fusions of grief dance before me

Be ashamed I say to thee

Invincibility sides with me

My Butterfly

My Butterfly is so beautiful and I have to say goodbye

I never really noticed you until the Doctors made me look at you

I know you were with me when I was born

mom gave you to me

Now they say I have no choice

You and I must part ways

Since the bad news I have cried for you and me at least once a day

Butterfly why did you have to get so sick

I thought you would be with me till my life's sunset

Doctors say I can live without you

and I say.....

God put you there for a reason I think?

Butterfly I am trying to come to terms with our end and I am angry but mostly very sad

I am young and should not have to think of you this way

Life just wont be the same

Grandma let her Butterfly go and now she is receiving RAI for the second round

She is brave....it has spread to a lung

Butterfly we will be forever tied because of you

She seems to be making her peace and I want to too

I am so scared and although you need to fly I want to freeze time and hold you tight

You and I had some good times but you got sick and now I must say goodbye!

Feeling blue

I scheduled surgery for June 8th. They will remove my thyroid that day and a couple of lymph nodes. Ironically I spoke to my aunt today she said that my Grandma could not speak to me because she is going through her second round of RAI. Apparently she also got thyroid cancer and did the RAI treatment but now they have found out that it has spread to one of her lungs so they are doing the treatment again. Her sister who is my mothers aunt also got thyroid Cancer so I guess I can safely guess it runs in my mothers side. I also have a cousin on my fathers side who also is removing her thyroid. I just can't believe this is happening to me. Sometimes I feel like I will be fine and other times I want to scream.

Interestingly I also see that people are not as willing to talk to about it anymore. I guess once they hear it it's enough and you have to deal with it.

I feel alone and I am scared. The internet is filled with stories of women who have lost their hair and gained a lot of weight. I know it sounds vein but I do not want to lose my hair. Anyway I will continue to pray that God gives me strength to get through this mess.

Tomorrow

I realize life is a roller coaster. It never ceased to amaze me. I always knew deep down that tomorrow is never promised. I was a melancholic at a very young age. When I was a little girl I worried about grown up stuff. I worried about my dad's job, I worried when dad was angry and frustrated, I worried for my mother who seemed tired but tried so hard to make life normal. I worried about bills about food about my brothers and sisters. As I got older that never changed I just got sadder and worried some more. Since being diagnosed with Cancer sometimes I wonder whether my stress and sadness brought this illness on.

Tomorrow I will be seeing my endocrinologist for the first time. I will also be discussing what will happen after surgery. After this appointment I schedule my pre op labs then I schedule my operation. I am so scared. Last night I woke up my husband crying. I had just read on line that women suffer a lot without their thyroid. I heard you can lose your hair, gain weight, have trouble conceiving, have extreme fatigue. To me the worst condition is that they feel depressed and have mood swings. Lord knows that I have been struggling with depression for most of my life and I can't believe that my battle will potentially be worst. I know everyone says I should be grateful for this type of Cancer but it seems not so easy either. I mean I believe when you get breast cancer you remove your breast but I feel that at least you are not left with a condition that can mess with your moods for the rest of your life. I am not saying that any Cancer is better than the other but what I am saying is that this Cancer is not a walk in the park either. I want to run away from this and I can't and I feel so alone. My husband does not want me to read anything about this Cancer because he says it will only make me more anxious and depressed before the operation. On the other hand if I do not read on it then I feel like I have no control about what is going to happen to my body. I wish I could say ignorance is bliss but I can't do that. I feel a bit alone in this battle and I have to advocate for me. wish me luck.

Promise

I smell you in the air

It tastes so warm and light

I want the promise of the struggling Plant breaking the earth

I want to be alive in the wind that carries the sound of a baby bird waiting for his mother's return

I want to behave and have faith like spring

It breathes promise

It believes in yesterday and wakes up today

Alive it screams and lulls me in to it's dream

Fields of growth

waiting and perfectly timed it's pregnancy is brought to term

The delivery is so familiar and yet unique to the present moment

It's syrupy and sweet

pure liquid delight

and yet spring never frowns

The parade eventually must end and everyone packs up and goes home

I guess as it rests on warm sheets of promise it knows to let go

and dream of the parade for the next year

BY JRN

Papillary carcenoma

Hey today I slept for most of the day in part was because I have been sick with a cold the other is that I just want to sleep and not think about this cancer or surgery. Yesterday I spoke to the surgeon and he wants to take out my whole thyroid and some lymph nodes that also have cancer cells. I will spending 3 days in Lenox Hill Hospital and then go home and take hormone medication for the rest of my life. I will also have to do a treatment of radio active iodine therapy. I am scared. Prior to this news I was preparing to have a child. Ironically CVS Pharmacy keeps calling me to pick of my prenatal vitamins that I was supposed to start taking to prepare for my baby. I have to call them and tell them never mind. I guess this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been harder to treat if I were pregnant at the same time. It is stressful now and I am not carrying a baby. Sometimes I am not sure why these things happen to me. I want to cry but at the same time I need to think positively, for myself and my husband. I have been looking up some information on this cancer and the follow up treatment. As always patients do better than others I am hoping I can tolerate the hormone meds cause I tried them before and got real sick. This is my one true concern. I am dealing with my depression and this new situation is not helping. Well as the saying goes Que Sera Sera!

Cancer

Funny how life is one day everything appears to be "normal" and the next something has happened to change your life's path. I have to say that of late nothing seemed "right". My depression was getting worst and I did not know how to deal with it anymore. I was waking up crying and my moods were all over the place. I kept trying to pretend for everyones sake but all I wanted to do was sleep it all off.

Anyway monday I went to the doctor and she read off my labs. The basics again. I am pre diabetic, I am low in vitamic C, and I tested high for one of the metals. She told me everything else was fine. I then asked her about the hashimotos. That is a thyroid disease they said I had a couple of yrs back. Supposedly when you get the antibodies for it you have it for life but the past to labs do not show this. So I asked her how is it possible it's not there anymore? I guess my instincts keep telling to press her some more. So she says to me I will send you for a scan of your thyroid and that will confirm once and for all if you have anything wrong with your thyroid. The last thing on my mind was the "C" word. So the technician who does the scan tells me she sees some nodules and inflammation and she asks me if I am tired a lot? I said as a matter of fact yes and I am also severely depressed.

To make a long story a little faster my doc gets results, sends me for a "routine" biopsy( which by the way was so scary and painful), and today she calls me to tell me I have Cancer. Yep me. I Just turned 38 a month ago. I start to cry and she tells me she wants me to know it's the least aggressive kind. There is hope. I am numb and still crying and not quite sure how to digest this information. Maybe that is why I have been feeling anxiety and depressed so bad. My hormones are not functioning.

I keep thinking it was a fluke that I found this primary doctor on the internet, My labs came back normal but something urged her to hear my concern and prompted her to send me for this scan. I should feel like this is a blessing that we "caught" it but I will not know till monday when I see the surgeon what all this really means.

In the meantime everyone around me is freaking out. My mom by chance was here and that helped a lot. I had to wait all day to tell John the bad news when he came from work. My heart broke as I was telling him. I was hoping to sit him down and tell him news like I am pregnant. Seeing tears of joy but instead I he has to hear this. I can still remember what he told me just last month on our anniversary date. He said this was "our" year. Little did we know.

lending a hand

So I have been up since early helping my neighbor out. He is a 87 yr old chinese man who lives a lone. He ended up at the hospital about two weeks ago. Unfortunately as he was getting getting on the bus he missed a step, fell and broke his hip. I noticed something was wrong when I started to see notices pile up at his door. I was scared something had happened and he was in the apartment hurt. In the building I now live in it is not uncommon for a senior to die in his apartment. Usually the way people find out is because they start to smell. can u imagine? One day as I was coming home I saw a stretcher being escorted out and the smell was nothing I had ever smelled I acually gagged. Anyway I later found out it was a friend of ours. She was not that old but was very sick and lived a lone. Again aparently she had died in her apartment and no one knew till the hall started to wreak of death. when the firemen broke down the door they found her dead near the bathroom surrounded by her two cats who were very hungry.
Anyway I never could forget that incident. so when I saw the papers pile up I got scared. Interestingly no one on our floor seemed to even notice. I checked the neares hospital and sure enough he was there. Hurt but a live. He is coming home tomorrow and I have been cleaning up for him. I feel bad because he lives a lone and has no real family the apartment was a mess. I bought knew linens for his bed. and cleaned his comforters which I do not know when he last even washed them. I got someone to vacuum the rug which was filthy and I dusted. Eventhough I felt depressed today I can honesincidently say it felt nice to do something special for someone who really needed some help. Tomorrow is another day.

Rainy Sunday

Being depressed requires a lot of patience. I try to plan out my days but not too much or else I get overwhelmed. If I do not plan at all my mind starts to drift in to other realms. Usually pretty dark ones. So today was raining and that pretty much set the tone for the day. I opened up my craft box and made some more jewelry pieces. Some of the pieces I had already started but kind of stopped when my sister moved in. I also stopped exercising. Part of the truth is that I do not do well with change I guess I have always been that way. I used to pride my self on being flex able with people and things but I believe deep down I have discovered I do not like changing much. Oh well.

seeing a new therapist

So I am considering seeing a new therapist. I feel shittier than I have ever felt in my entire life. I just do not want to continue this way. So I am considering seeing another therapist. Maybe it's not them I just feel stuck. I need a change. Just the thought makes me feel like I am cheating on my therapist because I am googling the other potential therapist. When I start to see a new therapist I call it the "honeymoon" phase because I feel like they are going to "heal" me. Tell me something I have not heard before. Then after a while I know them and they know everything there is to know about me and we go nowhere. They are bored with me and I in turn get bored with them. I guess this is part of human nature. So we shall see what I do next.

OMG can I feel anymore shitty

Sooooo. I have been having teeth problems as I mentioned. I guess my fault. Anyway the temporary filling the dentist put in until I get my crown fell out. The thing is that I am going to this new dentist and he is how can I say this archaic. The office looks like it's stuck in the late 70's. They still have this old tube Tv with a VCR attached to it. I am paying comparable to other local dentist(1500). So this is my third visit and I did not get even a temporary cap( which I was told they usually put in till you get your permanent crown). Instead he put in a "filling" that fills in the hole in my tooth. So guess what today I feel it comes loose. The last thing I wanted to see was this messed up tooth. I want to scream. Supposedly the post to hold the crown will be delivered by the lab in two weeks and then he will take impressions for the crown. I have spoken to at least two other people who have gotten crowns and they have told me it took no more than 2 to 3 visits at most. Why in gods name am I still walking around with at least a temporary crown. I can choke on this.

My husbands sees me crying and decides to be of all times unsupportive and extremely insensitive. He tells me "What's the big deal", " just call the dentist in the morning and have it re glued". I start crying even more and then we start yelling at each other. Guys don't get how much teeth are important especially in this society. Anyway I reiterate how much I regret not following up with my dental visits its made this experience so traumatizing. I hate being in this predicament both financially and emotionally.

Great Movie

I just watched this movie called " How To Tame Your Dragon". We watched the movie in 3D and it was great. Although it seemed like a kids movie the whole audience was mostly adults. I guess based on the laughter it is safe to say they enjoyed it as much as I did.

Afterwards we walked our friend home. On our way back we tried to buy some pizza at this Pizza place called Artichokes. To our amazement and disappointment there was a long line outside of the place. Can you believe it was 2:oo a.m. and the place was full. I can honestly say only in New York City. The crowd seemed very young. I can't complain because I was once young and used to do the same thing. As soon as we came out of a club on a Friday or Saturday night we hit the nearest Pizza place and if we had money (after drinks) then we would go to a diner. We did not want to wait on the long line so we decided to just go home and munch on some left overs. This is Cherry blossom season and we saw them at our local fruit/florist stand so we picked up some cherry blossom branches. I have been meaning to buy them for the last 8 yrs or so and I never do. They only cost 8.00 bucks (what a steal). Anyway can't wait to see them bloom.

On another note. I had slept for most of the day. I had a shitty day yesterday. I was really depressed. I gave my mind a break by sleeping for most of the day. I tried not to feel too guilty about it. I am worried sometimes for myself. My depression only gets worst. I have been battling this for so long I am tired. I am tired of praying to God and asking him for some relief. I know I am a good person and this was not supposed to happen to me. I did not choose this anymore than someone who chooses to be diabetic. However some people like many of my family members and perhaps society feel this can be controlled. That is why I beat myself up a lot over it. I wish I could stop it but I can't. Maybe one day there will be a cure for this. Well I am getting sleepy. So as we say in spanish, hasta manana.

Just feeling shitty

Oh my Goodness I want to scream. My sister and I just buck and buck at this point I am not sure whose fault it is. Frankly nor do I care. All I can say is that it's exhausting. I try and we just do not see eye to eye. What is it with us? Arguing as kids was one thing but arguing as two grown women is bananas. I wish at this stage we could be more like a Norman Rockwell painting of sisters but I guess not. I swear to you I hate those shows that show that perfect family where the mom is cooking and the husband comes in and kisses the wife. Then he walks over and pets the family dog who usually has a silly happy name like brownie or max. Then daddy picks up his newspaper and with the other hand places his pipe in his mouth. Then like the king of the castle that he is settles in this big comfy recliner. The children run around him excited that he is home. As if on cue they sit down to have a nice homemade dinner where they get to make small talk about the days events. June went to gymnastic and Matt went to soccer. The calendar on the refrigerator is full of family events; recitals, dentist appt, tea with granny and of course the traditionally sunday brunch at moms.

I hate these shows because life was not like that for me. Yea it could have been worst but it sure could have been better. Nope I grew up in a dilapidated building. The elevator smelled like urine and the concierge was the crackhead that opened the door as he exited with crack in hand. Usually inside my apt was a long line of crackheads waiting for their crack. Yep can you imagine coming home from school to find people zombie like waiting to get drugs. Some of them briefcase in hand because in case people don't know white corporate america does drugs too. It was not just latinos and blacks waiting for their" fix". To tell you the truth I am not sure how I did many things given those circumstances. I learned to expect nothing. It was easier that way. If you got something fine and if you did not that was life. I numbed myself. That's how I survived.

The night

The night is here again

sometimes it comforts me

sometimes it scares me

tonight it betrays me

What I want is so simple and uncomplicated

at least that is what I think

I want to rock to sleep in the arms of the breeze that slips through the crack in my window

I want to feel alive to the music that I hear calling me in the distance

I want to wake up tomorrow and feel that my life has purpose

and that God did not waste his time when making me

Rotten teeth and f.....day

Sister

Argued with sis. We are living together since she broke up with her boyfriend. I knew it would not be easy since we have not always gotten a long. In fact we could not be anymore different from each other. We share the same DNA and pretty much the similarities end there. The thing is that she is so sad and depressed over this break up and I have tried my best to make her feel welcomed but at times it just doesn't seem enough. I know it's hard but I am the one who has bent over backwards for her and at times I do not think she sees how she comes across. That is why I stay in my room. Well, hopefully school will end soon and she will find a job and get her own apt. I am sure these thing will make her happier. In turn I believe our relationship will get better for the both of us.

The Dentist

I went to the dentist for my follow up visit. It was just my luck that right before going on vacation my tooth chipped. It was the tooth that had the root canal. I was supposed to have it crowned and I never got around to it. At that time I had no dental insurance. I had two root canals and a couple of fillings for 3,000 plus dollars. I was devastated not only because of the cost but also for the condition of my teeth. Since I can remember I hated going to the dentist. They always found cavities. It was never great teeth or you just need a cleaning.

Fast forward to todays visit still no dental insurance. Dentist now tells me that it will cost me 1,500 dollars for the crown and post. Now I still have another tooth to crown so that will be an extra 1,500. That is not the worst the doctor keeps telling me he is worried about tooth decay in another tooth. I want to scream does that mean another root canal and crown. I feel like an ass for having to need so much work on my teeth. I blame it all on Soda. I love Pepsi. I am addicted to it I have to have at least one can a day. I have tried to stop but I can't. No matter how much I brush my teeth the sugar gets in. I wish I had never gotten in to that bad habit. I wish they would put a disclaimer on the can and warn parents that it causes bad teeth, obesity , and contributes to diabetes. Oh well no use in crying over spoiled milk now.

P.s did not make it over the bridge but it turned out to be a beautiful day. We did go bike riding with a group of friends we were right under the williamsburg bridge. So to be continued.

Williamsburg here we come???

I Woke up again to the sound of dishes being pushed around in the kitchen. I know it must be sis again either cleaning, cooking or baking. When I went to check on her I saw she was doing all three. On the menu for the day we had nice fluffy buns, scrambled eggs with cheese and a couple of more sides. The juice is not freshly squeezed but I think we can live with that. LOL. I wish I could wake up and be as focused especially on housework stuff. It's sunday and she is making breakfast, nice day outside so we will probably eat out on the balcony. She already told me we have "agendas". Last night we discussed possibly bike riding over one of two bridges close to me. Either the Williamsburg or Manhattan bridge. I have been trying to just walk over that bridge since I started walking on the F.D.R drive last summer(never mind riding). The idea was that I would start the walk with my husband and once we crossed over we could have brunch at one of those trendy restaurants spots in Brooklyn. After our tummies were full we would decide to walk it off or take a cab back home. I never got to do it last summer, what a disappointment. Since last summer I have been gotten out of shape. Don't know if I am fit to ride over the bridges so soon. Kind of want to back down. I will bring my camera along today to document the event ha! ha!. We shall see.

Dinner and great company

Omg. Dinner was fabulous. My sister and I went food shopping ( A chore that I could just skip). Did I mention I hate cooking urghhhhhhh!!!!.Who needs that when you can order out? Yeah I sound so spoiled. Yet I really am not. I am just saying, lol. Anyway she loves to cook. I guess this is one of the perks since she has moved in with us. We had a friend over and we sat in our city balcony and boy did it feel like we were on vacation. We light candle lights and we sat at our new outdoor table . While we were on vacation she bought us this table and great chairs to go with it. Since I knew it would be tight in our living room with her and the two dogs I tried to make as much room as I could for her. My husband and I temporarily stored our dining room chairs at my brother's house. Thank God our apartment is not too small ( by nyc standards anyway). So we got rid of all the things on one side of the living room and put her bed there, a night stand, her vanity and a big wardrobe for her clothes. I was surprised that so much could fit in that space. What's amazing is that we still have our living room section with sofa and Television. She really made it look homey. She has that gift of making things look special. She can take any room and make it look like it came out of a page in the Pottery Barn catalog. I am flawed out how we have managed to fit three people, two dogs, and my rabbit in an apartment, that is why the song says New York if you can make it there you can make it anywhere! Well dinner and great company temporarily took my blues away so I am grateful for this "pocket" of normalcy. I can breathe for a bit and I will not think of tomorrow when it starts all over again. For now I will enjoy "my dulce vida".

P.s I donated my balcony bench to the garden down the street. The ladies were happy to see it. We immediately set it up. It looks like it belonged there all a long. Although I was sad to see it go. I am comforted that it will be under the stars tonight and it is now surrounded by flowers and pretty trees. I will take a picture of it's new home and put it up.

Dreaming about creating

I Love this fairy. She reminds me of myself a little goofy and sweet. My sister found the pic on the net for me and made it my desktop pic. My wish for myself is to have faith and create more things. I look at different artist and wish I did not feel so insecure about my art and crafts. My goal is to draw something or make something and finally get enough nerves to put it out there on a website like etsy.

Rainy

Yep woke up to a rainy day and the smell of something baking. When I got to the kitchen I noticed the burnt muffins errr! My sister is staying with me and she likes to bake. She explained to me that she was attempting to bake banana muffins when she realized the batter was a bit watery. However she decided to continue to bake them. The result was that the muffins turned out hard on top and uncooked on the inside. She seemed very disappointed. I felt bad for her. Personally I do not like muffins but I do enjoy waking up to the smell of it. Strange huh? I feel that way about coffee too. My mom used to make it every morning. There is nothing like the smell of Spanish coffee (Cafe Bustelo or El Pilon) in the morning. Coffee is a staple in every Puerto Rican home. Again I do not drink coffee but I very much enjoy the aroma. It brings back a sense of comfort and nostalgia. Good memories. We grew up very humbly but I knew that even if there was nothing else to offer anyone there would always be Coffee, Crackers, and some Cheese. That was enough.! That is the beauty of my mom she is a simple and humble soul. She always seemed very conformed to living a to our minimalist lifestyle. If she did seemed stress by our means she did not show it too much. I wish that I could be more like her.

Will I ever be a mom???

Second entry in one day. Must have a need to talk. My therapist is going on vacation for the next week so I guess I will have to figure things on my own. Well at least for a week anyways.

Nope I am not a mom yet although I have been married for quite sometime. I have thought about this child for so long. At first it seemed it was not the time, then it was but something came up, then it was not the right time again, always something. The thing is that time is not on my side. I am getting older and it is now or never. I am scared. Sometimes I just want to give up on the whole motherhood thing. Then I find myself looking at pregnant women or newborn babies and I want to cry. It seems so easy for everyone else. I am not asking for much. In fact all I ask in life is for this damn depression to leave me alone so I can be happy with my wonderful husband and maybe just maybe be blessed with a wonderful child. That I can teach to be loving, kind and give his mommy kisses.

Just Blue

Just saw a movie called "Julie and Julia" and it inspired me to start blogging. The movie is based on a true story about a woman who decides to blog. Her blog is based on a challenge she made for herself. She loves to cook and decided that she would make a recipe everyday for a year from a cookbook by Julia Childs. I loved the movie. However unlike Julia I do not love to cook. I definitely prefer to eat out. I find cookbooks tedious and cooking messy. I enjoy other crafts but that is not one of them. I can however understand the feeling of enjoying something made by your hands and the gratification of sharing it with loved ones and close friends. So my first entry sounds hopeful. That is not my reason for blogging.

However my motivation for blogging has nothing to do with cooking or crafts. It's about my struggle with depression. Frankly sadness has always been with me for most of my life. Just in different "shades". I know that I can only share my sadness with only so many people without being judged. I have struggled depression for a long time and I truthfully understand the torment of being " in the closet" about it. I wish I could just "come out" to everyone in my family and say I suffer from depression and yeah of course it SUCKS!

The idea of blogging about it scares me. Somehow although you don't know me and I don't know you I feel "revealed". So this is my coming out platform. Until next.