Post thyroidectomy

So 1 week and 1 day post thyroidectomy. Yesterday was the hardest so far I was so ill I feared going back to the hospital. But before I talk about that let me try to recapture some details about the aftermath of surgery.

When I got out of surgery I felt completely ill. I felt groggy and my neck felt tight I also felt like I could not breathe right. Which that to me was the scariest feeling so far. The hospital took forever in letting me get to my room. So I spent about 4 hours in the recovery room not really recovering with all the activities going on in there. I spent the night which was nice. I had trouble sleeping because of that drainage tube they leave in your neck for a week. You literally walk around with the excess fluid and blood from your neck and then they have to empty it out every so often Yuck! Next day they bring a roommate in who takes one look at me and makes a not so nice comment. I guess she thought I looked antisocial because I did not say anything to her. The truth was I could barely speak after surgery. My voice sounded like Mickey Mouse. Anyway as we got to talking she wanted to know what I had and I told her. She drove me nuts for two days cause I could hear her talking about me for two days and saying that poor girl is going to die. I forgave her cause I saw she was old and did not know any better. Anyway when it was time to leave I was so happy to. Mom and Dad Picked me up from the hospital they insisted on doing this. They visited for a while then went home. That night I started to feel tingly sensations on my arms , I ignored it then I went to the bathroom and my legs from knee down went numb like and I felt like I had never felt before pin like sensation on my legs. STill went back to bed then it happened again. Except my legs got real hard and ridged. I called for my husband and I told him somethings wrong. We called the surgeon at 3 am and asked and he said go to emergency room. I told them what had happened and they told me my calcium levels dropped. Now my doctor only saved two para thyroids and I knew this could happen. So now 2 more days at the hospital with Calcium pills every 6 hours. I still felt some tingly but it was getting better. First night at the hospital I felt like I was going to get a panick attack. I did not want to be there and I felt so sick and afraid. Next day still more calcium and me gagging every time cause it hurts to swallow. Anyway they finally release me with this calcium schedule of 1500 calcium meds 4 times a day. I start to gag and can barely eat. Eating all these pills on an empty stomach is not easy. Now I wake up and I am nausea all the time and I can't use the bathroom. My friend came over to keep me company and I spent the day miserable and crying. My hands and feet were so cold. I put on gloves and socks to keep me warm. Mind you it's almost july and I am freezing. Anyway by the end of the I take a stool softner and that did it. I spent 3 hours ill after that on the "bowl". After sometime I noticed warmth started to come back in to my hands. That night I felt some relief but I still could not breathe right and felt really weak. So I packed an overnight hospital bag just in case. I managed to fall asleep and today I felt relief. It was the first day I was hungry. So I sort of binged on everything under the sun. It could not have been a much nicer day it was cool and sunny. Right now I am getting sleepy and my neck is hurting me. I believe my nerves are waking up in they are not too happy. Tomorrow I will visit with endo to discuss RAI. Wish I did not have to do this but have to.

Night before thyroidectomy

It's 1:oo am in the morning and everyones sleeping. I am getting a little drowsy because of the half a "k" I took to help me go to sleep. Before I drift off I had to get some thoughts in. I have spent two days cleaning this house. Can't really figure out why the need but it definitely helped with the nerves. I was tired today and I cleaned the whole kitchen and my room. Feel like the house is in good shape. Anyway Julie picked up Reina this morning on her way back from kerry's house. We spent the day watching Alice and Wonderland with Johnny Depp and it was better than I had expected. Then we went to eat at Life Cafe I had this great Mac and Cheese and I could not finish it all. Anyway I left them to go and see John's fam and to tell them about my surgery tomorrow. I told Maria not to come because she is not well herself. I told my mom not to come either because John was going to be there, Julie and maybe even Rain. When I spoke to Marvin I said the same thing that I would see him another time. To tell you the truth it is hard when you have so many people waiting to see. Although I must say I am touched by everyones concern for me.

Anyway I also went to see mom and Dad. We talked a bit and then just before I left mom and dad prayed for me and John. I was expecting to get sentimental but I did not. I feel like I am going through the motions of getting things done. Not sure if it will hit me once i'm at the hospital. Eventhough I told mom to stay a part of me wished she was going to be there. I also feel I have to be grown up and deal with it. The night was nice and definitely hot. I said to John I wish we could drive around all night and then go to surgery he smiled and teasingly answered "you want to". Maybe I feel as long as I do not fall asleep maybe time would stop. I pray all goes well for me. I pray that this is the beginning of me feeling like my old self. I pray that one day I may have a great story to tell.

Weirdly going back to my parents my dad mentioned to me that I should be fine. At first I felt he was being dismissive but then I realized he is just trying to reassure me. I almost felt guilty about the fact that there is hope for me and yet they can't operate on him. Talk about survivors guilt. Dad I just want to tell you here that I love you very much. You mentioned today that you pray that you go in your sleep or painlessly so that all those around you do not see you suffering in a bed and I will pray that your wish comes true. I also do not wish to see you suffer. In the end you said Lord let thy will be done. I guess he is in control and I relinquish it all to him. Amen

The day is nearing

I spent the day with my husband. My sister went upstate for two days and she will be back tomorrow. She coordinated coming back hear with my friend in the morning. I guess they will try to keep me busy. I am feeling anxious and excited at the same time. I want this to be over(operation). While at the same time am scared to death. I spent the weekend cleaning and trying to distract myself. My mind just wanders to dark and heavy things. How will this affect me and John in the future. Today is Father's day and I did not get to speak to dad because he went to church and when he came back he was sleeping. I kept thinking what if this is going to be his last father's day with us and I did not make it a point to see him. I have a way of I guess torturing myself. I know he knows I am getting myself ready for surgery but I always feel like I should be doing more for others. Anyway my husband mentioned again he can't wait to be a dad. He said that is what he wants the most in the world. I said to him that let's not talk about that cause it puts a lot of pressure on me. Especially with what is happening to my body. I sometimes want to give up. The depression is dragging me down. I keep praying that I will not come out of this worst then when I came in. Life cannot continue to beat me. I pray for the best. I have to say that over all I feel loved. People do care about me and are wishing the best for me. I have been taking the "K" almost every night to sleep and tonight will not be the exception. I need to sleep and not think anymore.

Time can't stop

Lately I dream of when I was a child

No cares

Just lazy summers in the grass

I want that innocence back

My concerns where so small

they did seem like mountains at the time

My friend did not want to talk to me

The bully at school picked on me

Bad haircut for school pictures

So trivial

and yet so safe

We were pretty much all ok

alive

and well

yep those were the days

i'ts all set

They phoned me from the hospital to tell me my surgery was set for tuesday. I try to prepare myself but I am really scared. I try not to read what's on the internet but at the same time I cannot help myself. I want to connect with someone who is going through what I am going through. Then I start to read all the horrible stories out there. I start to read that my hair will fall out and that I will have more depression, and gain lots of weight. I am terrified of losing my hair. God I am so scared I wish you could come down and tell me I will be ok. I wish you could tell me in person that you will not give me a cross I cannot bear. I just do not get why me.

Perfect example today I came across my crazy sister in law who attacked me physically. It has been months since the assault. I guess she started to come around again. I am not blaming my mother in law because as a mom she is concerned and after all that is her daughter. However this was not the first time she tried to hit me. The first time I just walked away. She said some mean things to me and I overlooked it for the sake of the family. She never apologized for it either. A couple of months later she come up drunk wanting to hit me. I yelled at her to shut up and leave and that is when she charged at me. Thank God my husband was there so that he could see with his own two eyes what she did to me. She later turned and kicked my sister in the stomach with the heel of her shoe. When my husband defended her she turned on him too and attacked him physically and verbally.

She needs help and I get that. However I do not see her going in to rehab or changing her ways.

What I do see happening is that she will be on her best for now till she get's back in and then she will have her breakdown again and hit someone again. As far as I am concerned I will never trust her again. This may create problems and a wedge between my mother in law and me. However I know I am a good person and all I ever do is give people chances and personally I am tired of being a hypocrite. In the end all I want to be is neutral towards her. I do not wish evil on her but at the same time I do not need her toxicity in my life. Especially going through all the shit that I am going through. Too much on my plate. My mother in law has to know me by now. I have been there for her when she was sick and her daughter could care less. If she chooses to side with her. I wish them well.

I have had to deal

Today I am looking up on how to deal with a dying loved one. I have had to care for my dad's problems for as long as I could remember. I love my dad and I know he did the best he could but I just never really got to understand him. Now doctors are saying they cannot do anymore and in my last caring for details I am looking up on how to best take care of him when the time comes. I have felt sick for days. I know I have to face a long road of preparations. I have to talk to his doctor about this chemo that may or may not work. At the same time come to terms with the reality of it all. My hope is that he goes quickly and does not suffer much. I have tried all my life to facilitate things for him. Now I feel so a lone and hopeless. I always find a way to make situations a little better or easier. That is what I did as a kid and still continue to do. At times I felt like it was not fair that I had to care for them even as adult but I tried to understand there limitations. Besides after all they are my parents. As I also face my mortality I find this new period in my life mixed with so many emotions. Moms not well either. For the first time in my life I see her slowing down as well. She has rheumatoid arthritis and she is in a lot of pain. I can feel my heart so heavy it scares me.

Not sure how this story will continue and end but I am re visiting every bit of hope, dream and ideas I had for my future. Not sure now if I do have this baby if dad will be around and the thought makes me real sad. At the same time I am thinking that if I do have a child one day he or she will have to go through the pain of losing me. somehow this does not make sense anymore. Maybe I am not thinking clearly right now. I pray for strength, peace and hope for us all.

simply unfair

So much is going on I do not know where to start. So doc tells me dad's tumors are getting bigger and that he should do the embolization procedure. He is at risk of a heart attack but he really does not have a choice. I am now juggling our appts.

On my end my lab work came back that something is abnormal with my clotting so I cannot go in to surgery just yet. They also lost my labs so I had to repeat them. I may get answers by Friday. Anyway I am worried about having this procedure and I am also worried about my dad. He does not look so well he weighs now 125lbs and looks very thin. I want to to cry because I feel so much weight and heavyness on my shoulders. Tomorrow I get his pre op lab work done and speak to his doctor about the procedure. As I mentioned my sister is here with me but she does not seem too motivated to help me figure this out with dad. I know she has a thing with dad but I feel at this stage in our life it is time to let go and deal with it. She has never felt that sense of responsibility for my parents do way I do. As they are getting older I would have thought she would have changed but she has not. I am not sure why she is this way and tell you the truth it is not only unfair to me it is upsetting for me to see. I cannot change the fact that she now lives with me and I cannot run away from her. At some level I know I am disappointed with her. I just wonder why God allows so much pain in this world. I do not get it. Right now I am so confused and overwhelmed. I just want to run a way.

Silence in my heart

I am going to lay here very still

My arms will rest by my side

I will not move left or right

I will however

let the wind ease me in to some sleep

I promise

I will be so quiet you won't hear me

I will not cry I will not scream

I will let life be

MY heart can't break anymore

I can hear my heart breaking

I have cried for it all

I have cried so much I cannot cry anymore

Do I think life is unfair

I have to say F........yeah!!!!!!!

I saw dad today

gaunt and very ill

sunken cheek bones don't look so good

Doc says he too has cancer

Can't breathe anymore

Too close too home

want to run away from it all

I tried and there is not much I can do

I am now sick too

God I am not sure where the lesson lies in all this

crying for some mercy from above

I am on my knees and praying for some relief

Rain Lord let it Rain

Wash it!

Wash it all away!

Counting the days

The clock is ticking and I am very present in time. The days seem to go too quickly and I cannot stop the inevitable. I know I should have faith and I do but it does not stop this fear that comes over me. So much conflicting information out on the internet it is hard to distinguish what is what. My nerves are getting to the better of me at this point. No one really wants to talk about the Elephant in the room. I wish I could just sleep until the day of surgery. If I cry it seems like I am throwing a pity party. So I am frozen and just shuffle a long and do the things that a big girl is supposed to do. My sister took me shopping for hospital bottoms and I could care less. I mentioned that dad may have to do the embolization for his liver tumors and she just shook her head. If he does the procedure next week I might still be re covering from my surgery. That is the least. According to doctors with his bad heart he may not make it out or he may end up having a heat attack. The last 3 times they tried he went in to abnormal heart rhythm and they stopped the procedure. Now they still have not determined whether it is cancer but they are still growing. I have a lot on my plate right now. I just do not need this added worry. I guess I cannot control what the guy above decides.