Tomorrow

I realize life is a roller coaster. It never ceased to amaze me. I always knew deep down that tomorrow is never promised. I was a melancholic at a very young age. When I was a little girl I worried about grown up stuff. I worried about my dad's job, I worried when dad was angry and frustrated, I worried for my mother who seemed tired but tried so hard to make life normal. I worried about bills about food about my brothers and sisters. As I got older that never changed I just got sadder and worried some more. Since being diagnosed with Cancer sometimes I wonder whether my stress and sadness brought this illness on.

Tomorrow I will be seeing my endocrinologist for the first time. I will also be discussing what will happen after surgery. After this appointment I schedule my pre op labs then I schedule my operation. I am so scared. Last night I woke up my husband crying. I had just read on line that women suffer a lot without their thyroid. I heard you can lose your hair, gain weight, have trouble conceiving, have extreme fatigue. To me the worst condition is that they feel depressed and have mood swings. Lord knows that I have been struggling with depression for most of my life and I can't believe that my battle will potentially be worst. I know everyone says I should be grateful for this type of Cancer but it seems not so easy either. I mean I believe when you get breast cancer you remove your breast but I feel that at least you are not left with a condition that can mess with your moods for the rest of your life. I am not saying that any Cancer is better than the other but what I am saying is that this Cancer is not a walk in the park either. I want to run away from this and I can't and I feel so alone. My husband does not want me to read anything about this Cancer because he says it will only make me more anxious and depressed before the operation. On the other hand if I do not read on it then I feel like I have no control about what is going to happen to my body. I wish I could say ignorance is bliss but I can't do that. I feel a bit alone in this battle and I have to advocate for me. wish me luck.