Dad

Dad has been in the hospital for two days now. He started chemo and that night he did not feel well. He waited till the morning and went to the hospital. They said he had had a small heart attack. He is alright now and still in intensive care. I am not sure if he is able to continue the treatment now. Besides worrying about him. I am still in somewhat same predicament in terms of my stomach. I can't sleep because the pain wakes me up and I have the "runs". Every morning I cry because it feels like I have been food poisoned. The doctors are not sure why this is happening and I am sick and tired. I think John is worried and so am I. This has lasted for over a month. I am scared and want to get better soon. I am sending out a prayer for dad and I. I know God is listening and he will give me strength to get through this. Amen

hasta cuando?

Dios mio te estoy escribiende porque no se que mas decir.
Te encuentro silencioso
quisiera sabar que piensas
el porque no tiene sentido
tal vez es mi ignorancia
quien soy yo?
en tus hojos
quiciera saber mi valor
estoy aqui
muy sufrida y confundida esperando tu repuestas
quien so yo?
yo si creo en milagros
yo si creo en ti
crees en Mi?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi y mi situacion
hay alevio en mi futuro?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi
te quiero
me quieres?
Si lo pienso asi!

Sleep Escapes me yet again

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I wish the doctors could help me out. For the past mont and three weeks I cannot sleep during the night or during the day for that matter. Once I fall asleep my stomach pains wake me up. At first I thought it was Acid Reflux because it was a burning in my stomach. Now I do not feel the burning as much but the pain wakes me up and does not let me sleep. I crave sleep so bad. I would have recovered better by now if it were not for this problem. Sleeping is critical for normal people let alone someone who is recovering from surgery. Doctor said to me today she never had a patient with a problem to this extent. I dread the night it causes anxiety because I know I wish it were different. The doctor drew blood today and asked me about my Calcium levels and if I felt those symptoms( lip falling asleep) I said no. She tapped on my face and said good no twitch( a sign that would have indicated something was abnormal with my calcium level) She mentioned that if the blood test came back normal then maybe she could cut back on the amount of citracal I am taking. Presently I am taking it 3 times a day with four vitamin D hormones to absorb the calcium. I am hopeful. This would help if my parathyroids kicked in for me. Lord I need me some help. I pray. Dad continues treatment tomorrow. I know he is anxious about it. I could tell in his voice. I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind but I cannot. He does not see a therapist and to tell you the truth should have been on some type of "calming meds" a long time ago. Anyways I will try to lay down and close my eyes again. I envy everyone in the house that is able to sleep. My sister, husband, and even the two dogs that snore.

stomach still not right

I feel like no one can really understan what I am going through. I dread sleeping cause I know it will not be restful. I mean I want to sleep so bad in peace and not wake up to stomach ache and my limbs falling asleep on me. My old life seems so long ago. I watched my husband sleep this morning and I wonder what is he dreaming of. It must be so nice to surrender to the pillow and sheets and know you will wake up better for it. My only escape from this time has been compromised. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but when....????? and how????. I have an appt with my head and neck doctor on sep 3. He will tell me if I can do the endoscopy based on my issues with breathing. Then they will do the endoscopy. My concern is that my voice has not healed completely because my vocal branch was cut. But my stomach is upset and it hurts. During the day I really do not feel hunger. I have a false sense of feeling full. The pain only gets worst when I lay down to sleep. If it's because of all the calcium I am taking I cannot stop. Parathyroids have not kicked in yet. Praying to God it gets better. I take calcium all day and it's not easy. I want to make peace with the changes I have had to make but it is real hard. My husband seems a little out of touch with me. He just wants to be outside. I do not blame him because all I do is cry and complain about my pain. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am tired, lonely and sad.

Need to stay calm

I want to get better and I am trying very hard to stay optimistic. Certain things have improved but this process has not been easy either. I am taking meds all day and I have been to so many doctors and have so many appts that I can't keep it straight. I get panicked during the day and have to have a lot of pep talks. Mostly I pray and ask God fro strength to face the day. I get this anger at my situation and it just comes over me. I feel like breaking every thing in sight. I know I should not feel sorry for myself but I do. I just want to feel better and not wake up ill. Well my fears are so many now. My calcium seems a little hard to control. My chest hurts a lot and I wake up with nausea and stomach ache. I know it's not psycho somatic because the pains wake me up. I fall back to sleep rubbing my stomach and pleading with God for help. The doctors tell me to take more medications. Then you read the side effects to those and you get scared. I do not like the internet for information because you read so much scary stories that it only makes me more nervous. Lord I pray I get better. I pray that my parathyroids "kick in" on their on and I pray that my stomach stops hurting. Amen

The book of Job

So a very good friend of mine has recommended I read the book of Job during thie time. Although I would not say she is the most spriritual person I am encouraged by her insintance and faith in my recovery. At first it seems too lenghthy and sad. Eventhough I have been sick and want to pull out my hair I pick up the Bible and read up on Job. What strikes me most is the human side of him. He genuinely is suffering and pleading with God for some relief as I am too. He also feels like no one understands his situation. Interestingly he also feels like people have pulled away and distance themselves from him. I too have felt very alone at times with my recovery. In part I know it's psychological. You can't help feeling alone when does around you try to understand but really can't because you alone are going through this. The other part is that during illness you get to know who your true friends and family are. I pray not to become bitter with does I considered my fam and friends and have "abandon" me. I pray my focus will be on being grateful for all the miracles on my behalf. I woke up with severe pain and nausea again. Today I did not cry I just prayed for strength. I know in my heart one day I will sleep an entire night and not be suffered or fear it. I will rest as peacefully as does around me. As God intended for me to do. I Believe.

despair

I had the surgery on June 22 and since then I have been so sick. I am grateful that the cancer is gone. I just wish I was not so sick. I cry day in and day out from my frustrations. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am finally learning to sleep with pain. I did not think this was possible. It's almost like your mind and body adapt somewhat to it in order to survive. I wake up a lot with my stomach feeling like it's on fire and I feel very nausous. My lower back hurts so much and my chest feels tight and sometimes feel sharp little stabs. Doctor said she never came across a patient that had issues like this after thyroidectomy. I almost feel like maybe I am making this whole issue up. Then the acids start to produce and I know this is real pain. I have no conrol over it. I have control to a certain extent how I react to people because of it. I try not to be so sad and misrable or angry. I am. I see people making summer plans and I am jeoulus. I want to swim and spend a day in the park and I cannot. I feel like my life is no life is waking up to this sickness. The doctor changed my calcium to one that should not irritate my stomach as much as the other one and I still feel sick. I just started this yesterday so I am hoping and praying I will get better. My friend said to read the book of Job. I am and I am praying a lot. I plead for his mercy and some relief.

Dear Love

I am not sure how this has happened
I am sorry for the stress and sadness this has caused you
We were so planning on being parents this year
It breaks my heart to be the cause of all this
I did not plan to get sick
here I am
a burden once more
can't breathe
can't sleep
nausea all the time
I am so misarable
Cancer gone
Now I am left with such issues
14 pills a day in counting
stomach fills ill now all the time
food does not taste the same
nor do i want it
but I am stuck seeing so many dcotors
feeling so ill
I do not believe nor do I care
I am tired hun and I want to turn back the hands
I am to dance once last dance and lay in your arms one full night and fall asleep in them soundly
life I am not sure about it anymore
I am tired of fighting and its just begun
God have mercy on me

very ill

So Sad

I am so frustrated with my body and I have to make peace with her. How do you accept your body when it does not feel like you anymore. I want to cry and yet the tears will not come I want to scream and yet the sound will not come. God grant me strength because I feel like I am about to fall. Heaven has to be better than this.

Waking up in this new body

I woke up again to severe heartburn. I have had it for more than three weeks and I cannot sleep. I wake up with nausea and it hurts so bad. It feels like my stomach is on fire. Besides that I am sleeping with 5 pillows to keep an upright position. I am trying to be optimistic but it's hard and I feel somewhat doomed. No one completely understands what I am going through. I feel like a walking zombie. No sleep, No mental rest and I am reminded and some level to be grateful they found the cancer. I am. Its just that this regime of pills and being sick is really fucking with my psych. I wake up feeling like today will be different and then I realize I have to this routine all over again. I wake up nauseous and then I still have to take my meds. Then I have to remind myself of what to eat cause I really do not feel like eating at all. My taste buds are bland , doctor said I still have radiation in throat. Worst case lasted a few months. To tell you the truth I do not care about food that much. Its funny how I am conditioning my mind to not care for it. I miss food especially when I am around people eating it. I start to feel sad. Besides it tasting differently I know my stomach cannot have it. I will suffer for the rest of the day and night. All around I feel my life has changed. I just wish I did not have to be reminded round the clock ( this happens cause I take medicine from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep). I am praying that my parathyroids kick in so that I will have to take less calcium pills a day. I take 3 huge calcium pills 3 times a day , along with two hormone pills to absorb the calcium, then I take my hormone pill in the morning and I was taking another hormone pill 2 a day. and nexium pill once a day. I have lossed about 14lbs in about a month. I would have lossed more but I was so hypo my metabolism was slow. Anyway as you can tell from this blog I need to talk to someone. I will see my therapist friday. Dad will start his chemo today. I am afraid to see how he will make out. he is already thin and fragile. Yesterday I saw an aunt who had a sroke and it was hard for me to be around her. I guess if it's hard for me I can imagine how hard it is for my siblings to be around me or my husband. He sneaks off to smoke. Since this started he has picked up smoking again. I do not think he ever fully stoped but at least it was less. Now he is back to full fledge excuses for leaving the apartment or me. It';s because he wants to smoke so bad. The other day I went to look for him and he was by a coffee shop and he had a ciagarette in hand. I observed him for a bit he looked relaxed with coffee in hand. I know it sounds wrong but I felt jealous of him. He looked so calm and clearly was enjoying himself and without me. Peace and escape I wish I had. Well that is all for now. I pray my side effects get better.