The day is nearing

I spent the day with my husband. My sister went upstate for two days and she will be back tomorrow. She coordinated coming back hear with my friend in the morning. I guess they will try to keep me busy. I am feeling anxious and excited at the same time. I want this to be over(operation). While at the same time am scared to death. I spent the weekend cleaning and trying to distract myself. My mind just wanders to dark and heavy things. How will this affect me and John in the future. Today is Father's day and I did not get to speak to dad because he went to church and when he came back he was sleeping. I kept thinking what if this is going to be his last father's day with us and I did not make it a point to see him. I have a way of I guess torturing myself. I know he knows I am getting myself ready for surgery but I always feel like I should be doing more for others. Anyway my husband mentioned again he can't wait to be a dad. He said that is what he wants the most in the world. I said to him that let's not talk about that cause it puts a lot of pressure on me. Especially with what is happening to my body. I sometimes want to give up. The depression is dragging me down. I keep praying that I will not come out of this worst then when I came in. Life cannot continue to beat me. I pray for the best. I have to say that over all I feel loved. People do care about me and are wishing the best for me. I have been taking the "K" almost every night to sleep and tonight will not be the exception. I need to sleep and not think anymore.