The sun

Blinds slightly open The sun fighting to get in and I just turn around and snuggle my blankets a little closer hoping to shut it out Finally it teases me and I am forced to consider its warmth faintly hear a voice or two with screams of an innocent child having fun in the sun in the sun are the many dreams I have left behind dreams so out of touch with me a person who I no longer am another time another space another me So please go away and just let me be

A long pause

Time has passed and I totally forgot I wrote this blog. As I read my past post I immediately felt uneasy reading my own words. so much to say and so much pain I have had to go through and yet here I am. I survived all this craziness that was limited to a few sentences here and there. A snapshot of what really went down. The great thing is that I can see strength in me. I have had to endure so much and I am still sick and even sicker from all the issues and complications of this surgery. The doctors call my case highly unusual and chronic. I think most have dismissed me just because they have run out of test and possibilities. I have been through the ringer with test, exams, and trial medications. The side effects have been insanely trying on me and my body. I feel I am not yet stable with the hormone meds and this leads me to swing from moods in a cyclical and taxing way. I have no energy because I do not sleep well and I do not sleep well because the pain wakes me up. I now officially suffer from chronic pain and sleep deprivation. I go to sleep sometimes at 5,6 and even 7 in the morning. I cannot explain this to a doctor or anyone because even I do not understand anymore how I got so sick from a surgery that was supposed to be simple. I fight every day with exhaustion. I crave rest to the point I rather not even eat because I don't want to get up and cook. The thought of even cooking is exhausting. I have severe breathing issues from my paralyzed vocal cord and the doctors have not been able to do anything to help that situation. I have stridor in my sleep. The noisee wake me up and my husband. let's just say thank God he is a sound sleeper. They have tried to say this is psychological and I get so angry at their simplistic and trivialization of my struggle. When I am sleeping and struggling to breathe in my sleep I am not conscious therefore my psychic cannot be controlling my breathing. My labored breathing is evident to my family and friends. I have never even had asthma in my life and never heard of a person struggling to breathe because it was psychologically induced. To even suggest this is ludicrous. Again how can I control or not control breathing problems in my sleep morons. This is the tip of the insanity I have been exposed to by the medical field. I have even doubted myself and all of it has caused me to feel powerless and hopeless. Pretty my self esteem is non existent. It's christmas time and everyone is running around buying gifts and I am trying my best to get my spirits up. I am grateful to a wonderful husband who I do not know where I would be without his support. I am also appreciative of the few family and friends who have lent a supportive ear and shoulder to cry. Despite me feeling so low I can see how wonderful life can be and I strive to better myself as a human being. There is a richness of life that I can experience at times simply because I know how delicate time can be. Nothing is guaranteed and I am learning to accept the new me. It means not looking back and one day I hope to be free of what I hoped for me and accept the new me and try to make her as happy as I can make her be.

Trying so hard

I am trying to eat gluten free and it is not easy. I have started with what I call 80-20 which means that I eat 80 percent clean and cheat 20 percent. I have to do the biopsy and in order for the biopsy to come back posititve I have to have some gluten in my system. The problem is that I have not scheduled the biopsy and I am still eating some gluten which obviously can't be good for my body. I think it is more complicated than that but it is late and I don't have the energy to go into all the details. Anyway I feel I have been doing real good. I have almost completely cut out bread from my life and Pizza. I still don't find it easy resisting Pizza but I am getting better at it. I used to think I can't live without having a slice of Pizza a day but I am getting better at it which is so hard to believe. I never thought I would say buy steamed broccoli and chicken and actually like it. I honestly am amazed at how I am food shopping. Only good stuff goes in the shopping cart and I don't feel too deprived. I am really proud of myself. I have had to go on this journey and figure out a lot on my own. I have stayed up many nights doing research, soul searching and more research. To some it may not look like a lot but I have radically changed my life. I am now doing more exercise and it has been a challenge because of my vocal cord paralysis which makes breathing labored and very hard. But even in this department I have made a dent. I never really have been a positive person and making the decision to make an effort to see the good in life despite feeling sick has been my greatest challenge and that has changed for the better. I have some hope which I have not had in a long while and it feels so good. Better than winning any lottery. I want my health back and I will do everything in my power to be the best I can be. Cancer Can kiss My diminishing A..... LOL!!!!!

Celiac

It has been a while since I have written a post. I am not surprised for my need to write since I just realized tomorrow makes 2 years from the date when I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I can't believe I made it this far with everything that I have had to endure. I am honestly surprised that I was not put in some mental hospital. Nothing has been easy up to now. I developed stomach spasms right after surgery that would not let me sleep. Then when I got the right meds and was finally sleeping some more I developed fibromyalgia (widespread pain from literally my neck down). The fibro pain would cause severe pain and stiffness that would not let me sleep. Night after night of pain(That is why I say I am surprised that I did not end up in the hospital because I had months of sleep deprivation). The lack of sleep caused me to feel weak and disoriented. They named it fibro because they did not know what else was causing this problem. As a result they tried many meds until finally my body settled on Lyrica. Lyrica helps but makes me forgetful, tired and spacey. I would like to up the dosage because the pain is still not controlled but it means sacrificing my mind. It is not a magic pill and in the end does not take my pain completely away. In my desperation for looking for answers they also have said I tested positive for Celiac (This is a gluten intolerance). I was told this months ago but was not strong enough to deal with the changes required to deal with the Celiac issue. I was angry because I got Cancer, Daddy died of his liver Cancer(while battling my cancer and the recovery from Hell), I got fibromyalgia, and now I was being diagnosed with Celiac (that meant I could not eat anywhere and especially my favorite food Pizza). It did feel like God had it out for me or the universe was screaming to tell me something and I just was not getting it or both. Anyway I am now desperate to heal my body and I think I am strong enough to deal with the Celiac. In the end I always wanted to live more organically and eat healthier. I have no more excuses. So I started the gluten free diet about 2 and a half weeks ago and so far not as bad as I thought. However there are some interesting things that have happened and it got me to thinking I should start writing again on here so I can keep track of what is working or not working for me. I am hoping that eating better will help my body to heal. I am not looking for 100 percent anymore because I realize my body will never be the same. I believe that no matter what doctors say the little blue pill I drink every morning will not replace the gland that God put in my body to help it function properly. Someone might say well if it worked so well then why did it get Cancer and I don't think the answer is that simple. I think many factors contributed to my Cancer and the environment also had something to do with it. Anyway since the Doctors do not know I have to kind of figure this out. A couple of months ago I started to get real depressed over living like this and I just prayed that God would give me the strength to continue fighting(I felt I had lost steam). I have come to the conclusion that I will do my part to get myself better. Or at the very least try very,very hard. So with God's blessing I going to move forwar. I give myself permission to start this journey towards a healthier and happier life. I chose to be healthy :)

Loving me

Right now feeling really bad about all that surrounds me. Fighting and sticking up for my self has not been easy but I feel I am slowly getting there. Am I wrong for the way I feel? Lately feeling angry about everyone and everything. Can't fight being sick and being sick and no sleep as well as being surrounded by people that I no longer can tell if they have my best interest at heart. I need to find me. I need not to give up on this situation or body that says to. No one knows the torture of this pain. I sometimes feel like I am going insane. No test, No doctor can figure this out. What happened to me on that table. I wish the surgery could have been recorded and I could comb the film to see what went wrong. I know he knows and I will never know. God let the truth come out so I can have some peace of mind!!

Apple cider vinegar

O.k so I woke up stiff as a board. Lord this is not easy to live with but I guess right now I have no choice. So I am going to try a couple of things to see what else I can do to try to "ease" this pain. I read Apple Cider Vinegar helps with aches and pains. So a couple of days ago I went to GNC and bought a bottle of Bragg's Apple Cider vinegar( which they say is the best). There are like a million things you can use it for. Now once it becomes a "cure all" or "fix all" claim even I become dubious. At the same time I say heck I only lose 3.50 on it so why not. So since Monday I have been drinking it.


Recipe:

Bragg's apple cider vinegar( you can get this GNC, whole foods etc)

1 Tablespoon of Braggs apple cider vinegar to 8oz water. 1xday.
note some people drink this 3xday. I however want to start out slow.

So far the first time it was kindda bitter so the following day I added honey tasted a little better. The third day I added cranberry juice much better. In terms of pain I did feel a decrease of chest ache and I was able to sleep a little more and move around in bed after I wake up with less stiffness. I don't think it is going to cure me but so far maybe it will be an addition to. I also have not increase the dosage to 3x a day so we shall see. I also want to try acupuncture and I am def looking into that. The other thing that has helped my stomach immensely is Kefir but that will be left for another entry. I am a bit tired right now so. That's all she wrote :)

I am not me anymore

I don't like the way this situation is turning me into a person who I don't and can't recognize. I am sick every day with this excruciating pain. I feel like I am losing my mind with lack sleep, pain, and misery tied all in one body. I have lost control over my life. Sometimes I fantasize.... If I could go back in time and do things different. Then as quick as I entertain that thought I snap out of it. No! I would have probably still had Cancer and things would have played themselves they way they are right now. That is the way the universe intended it. I hate Cancer for what it has done to my body I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!! All night I am in agony and I even curse them all in my sleep. They said a "simple" procedure and yet here I am one year and a half later in the worst condition of my life. Tears are frozen in my eyes and bitterness consumes me slowly inside. How horrible to be the person to walk around with such anger and bitterness in my mouth and in my soul. I don't want to be touched or consoled anymore or told false reassurances with melodramatic pitying eyes!!!! I have no innocence left I know I am sick and it takes one damn cell to say I want to look different and convince the others that his narcissistic sick view of making my body sick is the best thing that could happen to me. Something in their DNA gets convinced of this propaganda and Just like that Cancer can come back. I hate that I feel this way but how can I put Cancer "behind" me when it is the reason that I am in so much pain to begin with. For the longest I felt so sick and out of control and it was totally hormonal and I did not know it. So much time wasted of my life with very few answers. I thought finally we will get to the bottom and my life will be different. But no once again it has turned upside down. I don't want or need any friends they don't "get me" anyway. To tell you the truth when they complain of colds and minor aches I just can't stomach it. There is an end to that pain. I covet good health like a girl would be jealous over another girls long hair or perfect body. I am ashamed of this but it is what I feel. I pray o boy do I pray for God to forgive my weakness and soften my heart once again. Somehow my pleas echo aimlessly within the walls of my icing heart.