Darkness and thoughts

I feel something is shifting and I am relieved and yet afraid. All these months I have been sick I really have not had the chance to talk about my deepest fears and concerns with getting hit with this disease. I feared once the calm would come the avalanche of all else would follow. I had no time to contemplate on the experience because my thoughts was mostly on the pain of the constant nausea and stomach aches that would not let me sleep or rest. Now I find thoughts are starting to trickle through. Snapshots are going off in my head. It is very hard to be the same with my sister I want to block the way she was with me but it comes back in memories and it stings. She would see me throw up and just look at me and not ask me if I was ok. She would see me cry at night and not say a word. She ran all the time to her friends house. My dad never said much to me either. I know he wished me well but there was no you are going to make it, or I am sorry this is happening to you, he dropped off mom at the hospital but did not come up. I know he is going through terminal cancer but I have always taken care of him. I guess I will till he is passed. That is what I am made of. But it hurts. All of it does. I am left with the survivors guilt. How can I triumphed when he can't. No one can ever understand my scars. No one. As much as I want to forget this whole experience I can't it was the worst thing I have gone through. I just do not want to be an angry Cancer survivor. I want to be so unkind to the people who were not there but I know I will hurt more for this than they will. I feel like I need some time alone now. To be free from everyone. The apartment feels so crowded with my experiences and tears from the last 4 and a half months. I feel bound to this time in my life. I wish I could leave for a whole month and I just may do that.