Waking up in this new body

I woke up again to severe heartburn. I have had it for more than three weeks and I cannot sleep. I wake up with nausea and it hurts so bad. It feels like my stomach is on fire. Besides that I am sleeping with 5 pillows to keep an upright position. I am trying to be optimistic but it's hard and I feel somewhat doomed. No one completely understands what I am going through. I feel like a walking zombie. No sleep, No mental rest and I am reminded and some level to be grateful they found the cancer. I am. Its just that this regime of pills and being sick is really fucking with my psych. I wake up feeling like today will be different and then I realize I have to this routine all over again. I wake up nauseous and then I still have to take my meds. Then I have to remind myself of what to eat cause I really do not feel like eating at all. My taste buds are bland , doctor said I still have radiation in throat. Worst case lasted a few months. To tell you the truth I do not care about food that much. Its funny how I am conditioning my mind to not care for it. I miss food especially when I am around people eating it. I start to feel sad. Besides it tasting differently I know my stomach cannot have it. I will suffer for the rest of the day and night. All around I feel my life has changed. I just wish I did not have to be reminded round the clock ( this happens cause I take medicine from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep). I am praying that my parathyroids kick in so that I will have to take less calcium pills a day. I take 3 huge calcium pills 3 times a day , along with two hormone pills to absorb the calcium, then I take my hormone pill in the morning and I was taking another hormone pill 2 a day. and nexium pill once a day. I have lossed about 14lbs in about a month. I would have lossed more but I was so hypo my metabolism was slow. Anyway as you can tell from this blog I need to talk to someone. I will see my therapist friday. Dad will start his chemo today. I am afraid to see how he will make out. he is already thin and fragile. Yesterday I saw an aunt who had a sroke and it was hard for me to be around her. I guess if it's hard for me I can imagine how hard it is for my siblings to be around me or my husband. He sneaks off to smoke. Since this started he has picked up smoking again. I do not think he ever fully stoped but at least it was less. Now he is back to full fledge excuses for leaving the apartment or me. It';s because he wants to smoke so bad. The other day I went to look for him and he was by a coffee shop and he had a ciagarette in hand. I observed him for a bit he looked relaxed with coffee in hand. I know it sounds wrong but I felt jealous of him. He looked so calm and clearly was enjoying himself and without me. Peace and escape I wish I had. Well that is all for now. I pray my side effects get better.