Night before thyroidectomy

It's 1:oo am in the morning and everyones sleeping. I am getting a little drowsy because of the half a "k" I took to help me go to sleep. Before I drift off I had to get some thoughts in. I have spent two days cleaning this house. Can't really figure out why the need but it definitely helped with the nerves. I was tired today and I cleaned the whole kitchen and my room. Feel like the house is in good shape. Anyway Julie picked up Reina this morning on her way back from kerry's house. We spent the day watching Alice and Wonderland with Johnny Depp and it was better than I had expected. Then we went to eat at Life Cafe I had this great Mac and Cheese and I could not finish it all. Anyway I left them to go and see John's fam and to tell them about my surgery tomorrow. I told Maria not to come because she is not well herself. I told my mom not to come either because John was going to be there, Julie and maybe even Rain. When I spoke to Marvin I said the same thing that I would see him another time. To tell you the truth it is hard when you have so many people waiting to see. Although I must say I am touched by everyones concern for me.

Anyway I also went to see mom and Dad. We talked a bit and then just before I left mom and dad prayed for me and John. I was expecting to get sentimental but I did not. I feel like I am going through the motions of getting things done. Not sure if it will hit me once i'm at the hospital. Eventhough I told mom to stay a part of me wished she was going to be there. I also feel I have to be grown up and deal with it. The night was nice and definitely hot. I said to John I wish we could drive around all night and then go to surgery he smiled and teasingly answered "you want to". Maybe I feel as long as I do not fall asleep maybe time would stop. I pray all goes well for me. I pray that this is the beginning of me feeling like my old self. I pray that one day I may have a great story to tell.

Weirdly going back to my parents my dad mentioned to me that I should be fine. At first I felt he was being dismissive but then I realized he is just trying to reassure me. I almost felt guilty about the fact that there is hope for me and yet they can't operate on him. Talk about survivors guilt. Dad I just want to tell you here that I love you very much. You mentioned today that you pray that you go in your sleep or painlessly so that all those around you do not see you suffering in a bed and I will pray that your wish comes true. I also do not wish to see you suffer. In the end you said Lord let thy will be done. I guess he is in control and I relinquish it all to him. Amen