Memorial day weekend

My husband and I went away this weekend to the Catskills and had a great mini vacation. He wanted to surprise me and take me away before surgery. I can't say how much we enjoyed ourselves. We stayed at this quaint Bed and Breakfast. The room was real nice but the most amazing feature was the view. Our room was on the second floor of the house and it faced this stream. I was so excited because I love the ramblings of any water. We immediately opened all the windows. Music to my ears. That night I was lulled to sleep by the sound of it. The room was filled with fresh country air. The exact remedy for my sad soul.

The next day we went hiking. I left my socks in the room so I changed to my sneakers and had to put them on with no socks. John had these casual shoes he put on. As you can tell we were city folks trying to hike. As we start the trail we run in to the stream. No sooner do I step on a rock than I slip and my sockless feet get all wet. I yell cause the water is cooooooooolllllllllllllld. Any way as we continue the hike I notice there is no clear path up this hill. There is mud, water and huge rocks to dodge. It was not so bad because it actually very shady and cool. It was also very peaceful and I love all the foot bridges we came across.

We also saw Iron Man which was not that bad. The small theatre on mainstream was very unusual it housed in the front a subway,Carvel, and Paint ball rental equipment. In the back was the theatre. It was like any other theatre except for the chairs. They were more like office chairs than recliners. Attached to the rails were small trays that you can use to put your subway food on. I liked this feature.

One other thing that I really enjoyed was this quilt shop that I wanted to bring back home with me. They had all these beautiful fabrics. Made me want to start sewing again.

Over all I had a great time. Now I am back home. Trying to figure out what else I have to do before surgery. I will finish my crown work tomorrow, finally! and I also have to get a chest x ray. I pray they don't see anything there.

nonsensical ramblings

I feel like there is something chasing me

It clings to my thoughts and drapes over my soul

I wish my thoughts would stop stalking me

I want to breathe tonight

I want to not think of the changes my life will soon have

I know it seems crazy and highly unlikely

but my mind plays tricks

I fear the Cancer has spread

It's almost like a ticking bomb

waiting to be set off

Paranoia is my worst enemy now

Positive my friends say

I never possessed this trait so how do I start now

Lord I am pleading I am in your hands now

Mom says I am strong

I say if you only new

I am ready to fall on my knees any minute now

Long day

As the day gets closer to surgery I am filled more with anxiety and dread. I want to run away from here so bad. In my fantasy world I could leave all this behind and start all over with John. I guess my husband is feeling it too. I thought he had quit smoking and today I felt his pocket by mistake and I felt that familiar box. I said "what's this" and he just said nothing and removed my hand. I told him he must quit he has to be healthy for both of us but I guess easier said than done. I guess if I found out that he had Cancer maybe I would smoke too. He has been promising me that he would stop for 11 yrs and I truly had hoped he had stopped although I had my suspicions. The plan was that we both would get as healthy as possible before conceiving.

On another note I got an invitation to one of his friends baby shower. When I saw the invitation I was filled with mixed emotions. I even started to cry. I am happy for our friends and yet I felt sad for two reasons. One is because I will not be able to make it because I will go in to surgery that week. Second because of selfish reasons. I guess I felt sad because I was hoping I would be pregnant soon and instead I am forced to postpone for another year due to cancer and Rai. My husband said don't worry it will be us too one day. He is the optimist in the relationship. In many ways a blessing in disguise. It would not be healthy if the both of us had a sour outlook on life. My husband really did not tell any of his friends and I guess he is now forced to tell them the reason why we will not be making it to the baby shower. I did get excited about making her a knitted blanket. So I guess I am not too sour about the whole pregnancy thing on my end. I will leave it in God's hands. If I will be a mommy someday then I guess it really will be meant to be.

Sorrow

Sorrow has reared it's ugly head

It has come alive as prickly and Spiny as a parasite

Prophetically it has graced his paws upon my throat

Bellied with delight at my sad night

I feel eerily exposed

Restless I search for comfort like in my mother's womb

The night is upon me like a fragmented dream

fusions of grief dance before me

Be ashamed I say to thee

Invincibility sides with me

My Butterfly

My Butterfly is so beautiful and I have to say goodbye

I never really noticed you until the Doctors made me look at you

I know you were with me when I was born

mom gave you to me

Now they say I have no choice

You and I must part ways

Since the bad news I have cried for you and me at least once a day

Butterfly why did you have to get so sick

I thought you would be with me till my life's sunset

Doctors say I can live without you

and I say.....

God put you there for a reason I think?

Butterfly I am trying to come to terms with our end and I am angry but mostly very sad

I am young and should not have to think of you this way

Life just wont be the same

Grandma let her Butterfly go and now she is receiving RAI for the second round

She is brave....it has spread to a lung

Butterfly we will be forever tied because of you

She seems to be making her peace and I want to too

I am so scared and although you need to fly I want to freeze time and hold you tight

You and I had some good times but you got sick and now I must say goodbye!

Feeling blue

I scheduled surgery for June 8th. They will remove my thyroid that day and a couple of lymph nodes. Ironically I spoke to my aunt today she said that my Grandma could not speak to me because she is going through her second round of RAI. Apparently she also got thyroid cancer and did the RAI treatment but now they have found out that it has spread to one of her lungs so they are doing the treatment again. Her sister who is my mothers aunt also got thyroid Cancer so I guess I can safely guess it runs in my mothers side. I also have a cousin on my fathers side who also is removing her thyroid. I just can't believe this is happening to me. Sometimes I feel like I will be fine and other times I want to scream.

Interestingly I also see that people are not as willing to talk to about it anymore. I guess once they hear it it's enough and you have to deal with it.

I feel alone and I am scared. The internet is filled with stories of women who have lost their hair and gained a lot of weight. I know it sounds vein but I do not want to lose my hair. Anyway I will continue to pray that God gives me strength to get through this mess.

Tomorrow

I realize life is a roller coaster. It never ceased to amaze me. I always knew deep down that tomorrow is never promised. I was a melancholic at a very young age. When I was a little girl I worried about grown up stuff. I worried about my dad's job, I worried when dad was angry and frustrated, I worried for my mother who seemed tired but tried so hard to make life normal. I worried about bills about food about my brothers and sisters. As I got older that never changed I just got sadder and worried some more. Since being diagnosed with Cancer sometimes I wonder whether my stress and sadness brought this illness on.

Tomorrow I will be seeing my endocrinologist for the first time. I will also be discussing what will happen after surgery. After this appointment I schedule my pre op labs then I schedule my operation. I am so scared. Last night I woke up my husband crying. I had just read on line that women suffer a lot without their thyroid. I heard you can lose your hair, gain weight, have trouble conceiving, have extreme fatigue. To me the worst condition is that they feel depressed and have mood swings. Lord knows that I have been struggling with depression for most of my life and I can't believe that my battle will potentially be worst. I know everyone says I should be grateful for this type of Cancer but it seems not so easy either. I mean I believe when you get breast cancer you remove your breast but I feel that at least you are not left with a condition that can mess with your moods for the rest of your life. I am not saying that any Cancer is better than the other but what I am saying is that this Cancer is not a walk in the park either. I want to run away from this and I can't and I feel so alone. My husband does not want me to read anything about this Cancer because he says it will only make me more anxious and depressed before the operation. On the other hand if I do not read on it then I feel like I have no control about what is going to happen to my body. I wish I could say ignorance is bliss but I can't do that. I feel a bit alone in this battle and I have to advocate for me. wish me luck.

Promise

I smell you in the air

It tastes so warm and light

I want the promise of the struggling Plant breaking the earth

I want to be alive in the wind that carries the sound of a baby bird waiting for his mother's return

I want to behave and have faith like spring

It breathes promise

It believes in yesterday and wakes up today

Alive it screams and lulls me in to it's dream

Fields of growth

waiting and perfectly timed it's pregnancy is brought to term

The delivery is so familiar and yet unique to the present moment

It's syrupy and sweet

pure liquid delight

and yet spring never frowns

The parade eventually must end and everyone packs up and goes home

I guess as it rests on warm sheets of promise it knows to let go

and dream of the parade for the next year

BY JRN

Papillary carcenoma

Hey today I slept for most of the day in part was because I have been sick with a cold the other is that I just want to sleep and not think about this cancer or surgery. Yesterday I spoke to the surgeon and he wants to take out my whole thyroid and some lymph nodes that also have cancer cells. I will spending 3 days in Lenox Hill Hospital and then go home and take hormone medication for the rest of my life. I will also have to do a treatment of radio active iodine therapy. I am scared. Prior to this news I was preparing to have a child. Ironically CVS Pharmacy keeps calling me to pick of my prenatal vitamins that I was supposed to start taking to prepare for my baby. I have to call them and tell them never mind. I guess this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been harder to treat if I were pregnant at the same time. It is stressful now and I am not carrying a baby. Sometimes I am not sure why these things happen to me. I want to cry but at the same time I need to think positively, for myself and my husband. I have been looking up some information on this cancer and the follow up treatment. As always patients do better than others I am hoping I can tolerate the hormone meds cause I tried them before and got real sick. This is my one true concern. I am dealing with my depression and this new situation is not helping. Well as the saying goes Que Sera Sera!

Cancer

Funny how life is one day everything appears to be "normal" and the next something has happened to change your life's path. I have to say that of late nothing seemed "right". My depression was getting worst and I did not know how to deal with it anymore. I was waking up crying and my moods were all over the place. I kept trying to pretend for everyones sake but all I wanted to do was sleep it all off.

Anyway monday I went to the doctor and she read off my labs. The basics again. I am pre diabetic, I am low in vitamic C, and I tested high for one of the metals. She told me everything else was fine. I then asked her about the hashimotos. That is a thyroid disease they said I had a couple of yrs back. Supposedly when you get the antibodies for it you have it for life but the past to labs do not show this. So I asked her how is it possible it's not there anymore? I guess my instincts keep telling to press her some more. So she says to me I will send you for a scan of your thyroid and that will confirm once and for all if you have anything wrong with your thyroid. The last thing on my mind was the "C" word. So the technician who does the scan tells me she sees some nodules and inflammation and she asks me if I am tired a lot? I said as a matter of fact yes and I am also severely depressed.

To make a long story a little faster my doc gets results, sends me for a "routine" biopsy( which by the way was so scary and painful), and today she calls me to tell me I have Cancer. Yep me. I Just turned 38 a month ago. I start to cry and she tells me she wants me to know it's the least aggressive kind. There is hope. I am numb and still crying and not quite sure how to digest this information. Maybe that is why I have been feeling anxiety and depressed so bad. My hormones are not functioning.

I keep thinking it was a fluke that I found this primary doctor on the internet, My labs came back normal but something urged her to hear my concern and prompted her to send me for this scan. I should feel like this is a blessing that we "caught" it but I will not know till monday when I see the surgeon what all this really means.

In the meantime everyone around me is freaking out. My mom by chance was here and that helped a lot. I had to wait all day to tell John the bad news when he came from work. My heart broke as I was telling him. I was hoping to sit him down and tell him news like I am pregnant. Seeing tears of joy but instead I he has to hear this. I can still remember what he told me just last month on our anniversary date. He said this was "our" year. Little did we know.