I don't like the way this situation is turning me into a person who I don't and can't recognize. I am sick every day with this excruciating pain. I feel like I am losing my mind with lack sleep, pain, and misery tied all in one body. I have lost control over my life. Sometimes I fantasize.... If I could go back in time and do things different. Then as quick as I entertain that thought I snap out of it. No! I would have probably still had Cancer and things would have played themselves they way they are right now. That is the way the universe intended it. I hate Cancer for what it has done to my body I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!! All night I am in agony and I even curse them all in my sleep. They said a "simple" procedure and yet here I am one year and a half later in the worst condition of my life. Tears are frozen in my eyes and bitterness consumes me slowly inside. How horrible to be the person to walk around with such anger and bitterness in my mouth and in my soul. I don't want to be touched or consoled anymore or told false reassurances with melodramatic pitying eyes!!!! I have no innocence left I know I am sick and it takes one damn cell to say I want to look different and convince the others that his narcissistic sick view of making my body sick is the best thing that could happen to me. Something in their DNA gets convinced of this propaganda and Just like that Cancer can come back. I hate that I feel this way but how can I put Cancer "behind" me when it is the reason that I am in so much pain to begin with. For the longest I felt so sick and out of control and it was totally hormonal and I did not know it. So much time wasted of my life with very few answers. I thought finally we will get to the bottom and my life will be different. But no once again it has turned upside down. I don't want or need any friends they don't "get me" anyway. To tell you the truth when they complain of colds and minor aches I just can't stomach it. There is an end to that pain. I covet good health like a girl would be jealous over another girls long hair or perfect body. I am ashamed of this but it is what I feel. I pray o boy do I pray for God to forgive my weakness and soften my heart once again. Somehow my pleas echo aimlessly within the walls of my icing heart.
