Darkness and thoughts

I feel something is shifting and I am relieved and yet afraid. All these months I have been sick I really have not had the chance to talk about my deepest fears and concerns with getting hit with this disease. I feared once the calm would come the avalanche of all else would follow. I had no time to contemplate on the experience because my thoughts was mostly on the pain of the constant nausea and stomach aches that would not let me sleep or rest. Now I find thoughts are starting to trickle through. Snapshots are going off in my head. It is very hard to be the same with my sister I want to block the way she was with me but it comes back in memories and it stings. She would see me throw up and just look at me and not ask me if I was ok. She would see me cry at night and not say a word. She ran all the time to her friends house. My dad never said much to me either. I know he wished me well but there was no you are going to make it, or I am sorry this is happening to you, he dropped off mom at the hospital but did not come up. I know he is going through terminal cancer but I have always taken care of him. I guess I will till he is passed. That is what I am made of. But it hurts. All of it does. I am left with the survivors guilt. How can I triumphed when he can't. No one can ever understand my scars. No one. As much as I want to forget this whole experience I can't it was the worst thing I have gone through. I just do not want to be an angry Cancer survivor. I want to be so unkind to the people who were not there but I know I will hurt more for this than they will. I feel like I need some time alone now. To be free from everyone. The apartment feels so crowded with my experiences and tears from the last 4 and a half months. I feel bound to this time in my life. I wish I could leave for a whole month and I just may do that.

Will the clouds ever part for me?

It rains hard and heavy in my heart
My eyes turn and look above
I ask myself where does the pain go when I cannot hold it in anymore
will the clouds ever part?
rain has gathered and made pools rounds my feet
so gentle and clean
everyone dancing in it except me
I look at the sky and ask will the clouds ever part for me?

submission

I am addicted to the manipulation of words. As if the composition of a few words coming together to form a sentence could articulate and fill this void. I saw an interview with an author who also happens to have cancer and is doing chemo therapy treatments. Almost everything he experienced I could relate to in some shape or form. When asked about his experience with the treatment he said "It was a passive experience, watching poison drip down that IV and into my body". "It felt like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it". That is exactly how I felt taking my radiation pill. I remember feeling dirty like there was no amount of water( believe u me I drank a jug) or showers that could wash the poison from my body or soul. I knew it was not contagious and yet I felt Branded. I could read so clearly the eyes of those close and not so close to me when they would see what I was going through. How awful for her and thank God it is not me. I did have a sense of helplessness when making one of if not the most important decision of my life. Do I take the radiation and increase my chances of surviving and maybe increase chances of getting other cancers from the radiation, and or deal with all the risky side effects. In the end I did make a decision not to fight the "drip". There seem like there was hope for me. So I pay the price. I sold it all without thinking twice. I swallowed the pill so quickly even the doctor was taken a back. He mistook my fear for bravery. I knew that if I thought....So I went in to a numb place in my mind and robotically picked the pill up and told myself to swallow the "concoction". You see by not giving myself a choice I excused myself from logic. My mind no longer responded for my body. The were independently helping me get through this. The mind gave the command and the body allowed it to happen. I let go and swallowed.

wondering

Today I read an interesting article about someone who had cancer. He happens to have esophageal cancer in the last stage. He also happens to be an author. I was moved on how he described how having cancer affects him, friends, loved ones and even strangers. I wish sometimes my words could articulate completely how I feel. A skill I secretly and openly envy. Cancer changes you like nothing does. I guess if you have not gone through it you cannot really relate. Today I spent the day sick with nausea. I make the decision to ignore it almost like being in denial. This is the only way I can get through the day and enjoy the things I want to enjoy. I now sleep better. The pain and nausea still wake me but I have learned to ignore it. When it gets real bad I get up and sit on the sofa. I barely cry at night anymore or curse "who knows" in the dark. I also read another story about ww2 pilots who were lost at sea for over 40 days. It was one of the most fascinating stories I read. It was around 6 pages short and I tell u I was in such suspense I sat at the edge of my seat. Many times they fell asleep with Sharks circling or nudging from underneath their raft. My mind immediately went to my sleeping struggles with the abdominal pain and nausea. I said to myself the mind is incredible!!! It shuts down whether through exhaustion or will. I said it is powerful. I never thought I could be in such a painful but powerful place. I know it is up to me to get me up and running. I have to be my cheerleader. I have to keep myself distracted from this pain. My pain is the sharks. It threatens to eat me and consume. I have to stand and mentally choose the side to stand on. I can be consumed by this "body war" or I can choose to live. Dad doesn't say much when he sees my pain but he shows me. I read it in his eyes. He is courageous to me. Maybe this is his last gift to me. He is a warrior!!!!!

Words seem empty

I am feeling really low and I do not know how to get out of this hole. I am praying God has not grown weary of my pleads and tears. I am simple folk with a simple plea. I guess I should get in line with the thousands of mothers who are also pleading for health for their children at sloan kettering. My pain is real and I have grown tired of hearing myself feel sick. I moan and groan and it echos. My doctors have quietly turned away they are stumped and do not know what to say. I want to make plans for my future and all I do is make appts to get me through the next day. Too many doctors names to remember, too many dates of important information, too many pills I have tried in a short time. I am here with no Cancer for now so I should be grateful but I am also sick. I never was sick like this for so long. My body seems to have turned against me. Angry I am not sure what. My mind is relentless and plays all sorts of tricks on me. Every time I see a bump I think it could be Cancer. I will have to learn to stop asking Why? Who made that word anyway. It is hollow and hurtful.