submission

I am addicted to the manipulation of words. As if the composition of a few words coming together to form a sentence could articulate and fill this void. I saw an interview with an author who also happens to have cancer and is doing chemo therapy treatments. Almost everything he experienced I could relate to in some shape or form. When asked about his experience with the treatment he said "It was a passive experience, watching poison drip down that IV and into my body". "It felt like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it". That is exactly how I felt taking my radiation pill. I remember feeling dirty like there was no amount of water( believe u me I drank a jug) or showers that could wash the poison from my body or soul. I knew it was not contagious and yet I felt Branded. I could read so clearly the eyes of those close and not so close to me when they would see what I was going through. How awful for her and thank God it is not me. I did have a sense of helplessness when making one of if not the most important decision of my life. Do I take the radiation and increase my chances of surviving and maybe increase chances of getting other cancers from the radiation, and or deal with all the risky side effects. In the end I did make a decision not to fight the "drip". There seem like there was hope for me. So I pay the price. I sold it all without thinking twice. I swallowed the pill so quickly even the doctor was taken a back. He mistook my fear for bravery. I knew that if I thought....So I went in to a numb place in my mind and robotically picked the pill up and told myself to swallow the "concoction". You see by not giving myself a choice I excused myself from logic. My mind no longer responded for my body. The were independently helping me get through this. The mind gave the command and the body allowed it to happen. I let go and swallowed.