Today makes a month that a huge piece of me is gone. My dad passed away and I knew it was coming but knowing did not soften the inevitable hole in my heart. It feels like such a long time has passed since I have had the surgery and so much has happened. Dad got sick and it felt like I was racing against time. I wanted to hold on to every moment and yet I knew that if I lived like every day would be my last with him then I would never breathe. I had to live in some denial to survive the craziness that I have been through. Stomach pain that would not let me sleep. Then the now joint pain that they do not know where it is coming from and all the while Dad getting sicker and I was not well enough to fully care for him.
I was there when he last took his breath and I saw him leave this earth. How do you describe life exiting a body? It is like trying to explain a birth there are no words you just have to experience it to understand it. Ironically I did not know whether I would be with him in the end and yet I prayed two days before for two things as I cried in the shower. Grant me the strength to help him if I had to be there and please let him not suffer. That is just how it went down. I got there after a distressed call from my mom and I told my husband I had to go over. I saw Dad in not so good shape I called my brother Marvin and we decided the best thing was to call the ambulance. I asked Dad if it was ok and he just tilted his head toward me and shrugged his shoulders. I told him he would be more comfortable in the hospital. The paramedics came very fast. The asked me for the not resuscitate papers and I knew where they were because I had cleaned his room that week and remember seeing those papers and quickly putting them away. Little did I know they would be needed so soon. I quickly gave the paramedics the papers will a sinking feeling in my gut. He tried to help me put on his pants and he could barely lift himself off the bed to slide them on. His last words were to complain that his back hurt him as the paramedic and I tried to lift him off the bed. He looked so weak and frail and I could do nothing. I ran down the stairs and the paramedics opened the elevator door and yelled sir and I said Daddy please Daddy please breathe. Felix was crying too. We loaded on to the ambulance and as we headed to the hospital his face relaxed then tightened. I know he was gone. I remember the paramedics asking us what we wanted to do and we all yelled help him. The paramedic did not much of anything. By the time we got to the hospital they asked us what to do and I said Mom you have to decide then they said he was out for three minutes and I told my mom we have to let him go. Dad always said he did not want to be hooked up to machines and laying on a hospital bed. We took mom to another room when the Doctor said I am sorry my mom started crying in disbelief she did not understand they had stopped working on him. All my siblings got to see him in the hospital before they took him down. That night was a blur and so was the days that followed. The amount of support was overwhelming beautiful. I miss Dad and some days are better than others. I just wish I had one more chance to say I love you!!!!!!!!
