Long day

As the day gets closer to surgery I am filled more with anxiety and dread. I want to run away from here so bad. In my fantasy world I could leave all this behind and start all over with John. I guess my husband is feeling it too. I thought he had quit smoking and today I felt his pocket by mistake and I felt that familiar box. I said "what's this" and he just said nothing and removed my hand. I told him he must quit he has to be healthy for both of us but I guess easier said than done. I guess if I found out that he had Cancer maybe I would smoke too. He has been promising me that he would stop for 11 yrs and I truly had hoped he had stopped although I had my suspicions. The plan was that we both would get as healthy as possible before conceiving.

On another note I got an invitation to one of his friends baby shower. When I saw the invitation I was filled with mixed emotions. I even started to cry. I am happy for our friends and yet I felt sad for two reasons. One is because I will not be able to make it because I will go in to surgery that week. Second because of selfish reasons. I guess I felt sad because I was hoping I would be pregnant soon and instead I am forced to postpone for another year due to cancer and Rai. My husband said don't worry it will be us too one day. He is the optimist in the relationship. In many ways a blessing in disguise. It would not be healthy if the both of us had a sour outlook on life. My husband really did not tell any of his friends and I guess he is now forced to tell them the reason why we will not be making it to the baby shower. I did get excited about making her a knitted blanket. So I guess I am not too sour about the whole pregnancy thing on my end. I will leave it in God's hands. If I will be a mommy someday then I guess it really will be meant to be.