lending a hand

So I have been up since early helping my neighbor out. He is a 87 yr old chinese man who lives a lone. He ended up at the hospital about two weeks ago. Unfortunately as he was getting getting on the bus he missed a step, fell and broke his hip. I noticed something was wrong when I started to see notices pile up at his door. I was scared something had happened and he was in the apartment hurt. In the building I now live in it is not uncommon for a senior to die in his apartment. Usually the way people find out is because they start to smell. can u imagine? One day as I was coming home I saw a stretcher being escorted out and the smell was nothing I had ever smelled I acually gagged. Anyway I later found out it was a friend of ours. She was not that old but was very sick and lived a lone. Again aparently she had died in her apartment and no one knew till the hall started to wreak of death. when the firemen broke down the door they found her dead near the bathroom surrounded by her two cats who were very hungry.
Anyway I never could forget that incident. so when I saw the papers pile up I got scared. Interestingly no one on our floor seemed to even notice. I checked the neares hospital and sure enough he was there. Hurt but a live. He is coming home tomorrow and I have been cleaning up for him. I feel bad because he lives a lone and has no real family the apartment was a mess. I bought knew linens for his bed. and cleaned his comforters which I do not know when he last even washed them. I got someone to vacuum the rug which was filthy and I dusted. Eventhough I felt depressed today I can honesincidently say it felt nice to do something special for someone who really needed some help. Tomorrow is another day.

Rainy Sunday

Being depressed requires a lot of patience. I try to plan out my days but not too much or else I get overwhelmed. If I do not plan at all my mind starts to drift in to other realms. Usually pretty dark ones. So today was raining and that pretty much set the tone for the day. I opened up my craft box and made some more jewelry pieces. Some of the pieces I had already started but kind of stopped when my sister moved in. I also stopped exercising. Part of the truth is that I do not do well with change I guess I have always been that way. I used to pride my self on being flex able with people and things but I believe deep down I have discovered I do not like changing much. Oh well.

seeing a new therapist

So I am considering seeing a new therapist. I feel shittier than I have ever felt in my entire life. I just do not want to continue this way. So I am considering seeing another therapist. Maybe it's not them I just feel stuck. I need a change. Just the thought makes me feel like I am cheating on my therapist because I am googling the other potential therapist. When I start to see a new therapist I call it the "honeymoon" phase because I feel like they are going to "heal" me. Tell me something I have not heard before. Then after a while I know them and they know everything there is to know about me and we go nowhere. They are bored with me and I in turn get bored with them. I guess this is part of human nature. So we shall see what I do next.

OMG can I feel anymore shitty

Sooooo. I have been having teeth problems as I mentioned. I guess my fault. Anyway the temporary filling the dentist put in until I get my crown fell out. The thing is that I am going to this new dentist and he is how can I say this archaic. The office looks like it's stuck in the late 70's. They still have this old tube Tv with a VCR attached to it. I am paying comparable to other local dentist(1500). So this is my third visit and I did not get even a temporary cap( which I was told they usually put in till you get your permanent crown). Instead he put in a "filling" that fills in the hole in my tooth. So guess what today I feel it comes loose. The last thing I wanted to see was this messed up tooth. I want to scream. Supposedly the post to hold the crown will be delivered by the lab in two weeks and then he will take impressions for the crown. I have spoken to at least two other people who have gotten crowns and they have told me it took no more than 2 to 3 visits at most. Why in gods name am I still walking around with at least a temporary crown. I can choke on this.

My husbands sees me crying and decides to be of all times unsupportive and extremely insensitive. He tells me "What's the big deal", " just call the dentist in the morning and have it re glued". I start crying even more and then we start yelling at each other. Guys don't get how much teeth are important especially in this society. Anyway I reiterate how much I regret not following up with my dental visits its made this experience so traumatizing. I hate being in this predicament both financially and emotionally.

Great Movie

I just watched this movie called " How To Tame Your Dragon". We watched the movie in 3D and it was great. Although it seemed like a kids movie the whole audience was mostly adults. I guess based on the laughter it is safe to say they enjoyed it as much as I did.

Afterwards we walked our friend home. On our way back we tried to buy some pizza at this Pizza place called Artichokes. To our amazement and disappointment there was a long line outside of the place. Can you believe it was 2:oo a.m. and the place was full. I can honestly say only in New York City. The crowd seemed very young. I can't complain because I was once young and used to do the same thing. As soon as we came out of a club on a Friday or Saturday night we hit the nearest Pizza place and if we had money (after drinks) then we would go to a diner. We did not want to wait on the long line so we decided to just go home and munch on some left overs. This is Cherry blossom season and we saw them at our local fruit/florist stand so we picked up some cherry blossom branches. I have been meaning to buy them for the last 8 yrs or so and I never do. They only cost 8.00 bucks (what a steal). Anyway can't wait to see them bloom.

On another note. I had slept for most of the day. I had a shitty day yesterday. I was really depressed. I gave my mind a break by sleeping for most of the day. I tried not to feel too guilty about it. I am worried sometimes for myself. My depression only gets worst. I have been battling this for so long I am tired. I am tired of praying to God and asking him for some relief. I know I am a good person and this was not supposed to happen to me. I did not choose this anymore than someone who chooses to be diabetic. However some people like many of my family members and perhaps society feel this can be controlled. That is why I beat myself up a lot over it. I wish I could stop it but I can't. Maybe one day there will be a cure for this. Well I am getting sleepy. So as we say in spanish, hasta manana.

Just feeling shitty

Oh my Goodness I want to scream. My sister and I just buck and buck at this point I am not sure whose fault it is. Frankly nor do I care. All I can say is that it's exhausting. I try and we just do not see eye to eye. What is it with us? Arguing as kids was one thing but arguing as two grown women is bananas. I wish at this stage we could be more like a Norman Rockwell painting of sisters but I guess not. I swear to you I hate those shows that show that perfect family where the mom is cooking and the husband comes in and kisses the wife. Then he walks over and pets the family dog who usually has a silly happy name like brownie or max. Then daddy picks up his newspaper and with the other hand places his pipe in his mouth. Then like the king of the castle that he is settles in this big comfy recliner. The children run around him excited that he is home. As if on cue they sit down to have a nice homemade dinner where they get to make small talk about the days events. June went to gymnastic and Matt went to soccer. The calendar on the refrigerator is full of family events; recitals, dentist appt, tea with granny and of course the traditionally sunday brunch at moms.

I hate these shows because life was not like that for me. Yea it could have been worst but it sure could have been better. Nope I grew up in a dilapidated building. The elevator smelled like urine and the concierge was the crackhead that opened the door as he exited with crack in hand. Usually inside my apt was a long line of crackheads waiting for their crack. Yep can you imagine coming home from school to find people zombie like waiting to get drugs. Some of them briefcase in hand because in case people don't know white corporate america does drugs too. It was not just latinos and blacks waiting for their" fix". To tell you the truth I am not sure how I did many things given those circumstances. I learned to expect nothing. It was easier that way. If you got something fine and if you did not that was life. I numbed myself. That's how I survived.

The night

The night is here again

sometimes it comforts me

sometimes it scares me

tonight it betrays me

What I want is so simple and uncomplicated

at least that is what I think

I want to rock to sleep in the arms of the breeze that slips through the crack in my window

I want to feel alive to the music that I hear calling me in the distance

I want to wake up tomorrow and feel that my life has purpose

and that God did not waste his time when making me

Rotten teeth and f.....day

Sister

Argued with sis. We are living together since she broke up with her boyfriend. I knew it would not be easy since we have not always gotten a long. In fact we could not be anymore different from each other. We share the same DNA and pretty much the similarities end there. The thing is that she is so sad and depressed over this break up and I have tried my best to make her feel welcomed but at times it just doesn't seem enough. I know it's hard but I am the one who has bent over backwards for her and at times I do not think she sees how she comes across. That is why I stay in my room. Well, hopefully school will end soon and she will find a job and get her own apt. I am sure these thing will make her happier. In turn I believe our relationship will get better for the both of us.

The Dentist

I went to the dentist for my follow up visit. It was just my luck that right before going on vacation my tooth chipped. It was the tooth that had the root canal. I was supposed to have it crowned and I never got around to it. At that time I had no dental insurance. I had two root canals and a couple of fillings for 3,000 plus dollars. I was devastated not only because of the cost but also for the condition of my teeth. Since I can remember I hated going to the dentist. They always found cavities. It was never great teeth or you just need a cleaning.

Fast forward to todays visit still no dental insurance. Dentist now tells me that it will cost me 1,500 dollars for the crown and post. Now I still have another tooth to crown so that will be an extra 1,500. That is not the worst the doctor keeps telling me he is worried about tooth decay in another tooth. I want to scream does that mean another root canal and crown. I feel like an ass for having to need so much work on my teeth. I blame it all on Soda. I love Pepsi. I am addicted to it I have to have at least one can a day. I have tried to stop but I can't. No matter how much I brush my teeth the sugar gets in. I wish I had never gotten in to that bad habit. I wish they would put a disclaimer on the can and warn parents that it causes bad teeth, obesity , and contributes to diabetes. Oh well no use in crying over spoiled milk now.

P.s did not make it over the bridge but it turned out to be a beautiful day. We did go bike riding with a group of friends we were right under the williamsburg bridge. So to be continued.

Williamsburg here we come???

I Woke up again to the sound of dishes being pushed around in the kitchen. I know it must be sis again either cleaning, cooking or baking. When I went to check on her I saw she was doing all three. On the menu for the day we had nice fluffy buns, scrambled eggs with cheese and a couple of more sides. The juice is not freshly squeezed but I think we can live with that. LOL. I wish I could wake up and be as focused especially on housework stuff. It's sunday and she is making breakfast, nice day outside so we will probably eat out on the balcony. She already told me we have "agendas". Last night we discussed possibly bike riding over one of two bridges close to me. Either the Williamsburg or Manhattan bridge. I have been trying to just walk over that bridge since I started walking on the F.D.R drive last summer(never mind riding). The idea was that I would start the walk with my husband and once we crossed over we could have brunch at one of those trendy restaurants spots in Brooklyn. After our tummies were full we would decide to walk it off or take a cab back home. I never got to do it last summer, what a disappointment. Since last summer I have been gotten out of shape. Don't know if I am fit to ride over the bridges so soon. Kind of want to back down. I will bring my camera along today to document the event ha! ha!. We shall see.

Dinner and great company

Omg. Dinner was fabulous. My sister and I went food shopping ( A chore that I could just skip). Did I mention I hate cooking urghhhhhhh!!!!.Who needs that when you can order out? Yeah I sound so spoiled. Yet I really am not. I am just saying, lol. Anyway she loves to cook. I guess this is one of the perks since she has moved in with us. We had a friend over and we sat in our city balcony and boy did it feel like we were on vacation. We light candle lights and we sat at our new outdoor table . While we were on vacation she bought us this table and great chairs to go with it. Since I knew it would be tight in our living room with her and the two dogs I tried to make as much room as I could for her. My husband and I temporarily stored our dining room chairs at my brother's house. Thank God our apartment is not too small ( by nyc standards anyway). So we got rid of all the things on one side of the living room and put her bed there, a night stand, her vanity and a big wardrobe for her clothes. I was surprised that so much could fit in that space. What's amazing is that we still have our living room section with sofa and Television. She really made it look homey. She has that gift of making things look special. She can take any room and make it look like it came out of a page in the Pottery Barn catalog. I am flawed out how we have managed to fit three people, two dogs, and my rabbit in an apartment, that is why the song says New York if you can make it there you can make it anywhere! Well dinner and great company temporarily took my blues away so I am grateful for this "pocket" of normalcy. I can breathe for a bit and I will not think of tomorrow when it starts all over again. For now I will enjoy "my dulce vida".

P.s I donated my balcony bench to the garden down the street. The ladies were happy to see it. We immediately set it up. It looks like it belonged there all a long. Although I was sad to see it go. I am comforted that it will be under the stars tonight and it is now surrounded by flowers and pretty trees. I will take a picture of it's new home and put it up.

Dreaming about creating

I Love this fairy. She reminds me of myself a little goofy and sweet. My sister found the pic on the net for me and made it my desktop pic. My wish for myself is to have faith and create more things. I look at different artist and wish I did not feel so insecure about my art and crafts. My goal is to draw something or make something and finally get enough nerves to put it out there on a website like etsy.

Rainy

Yep woke up to a rainy day and the smell of something baking. When I got to the kitchen I noticed the burnt muffins errr! My sister is staying with me and she likes to bake. She explained to me that she was attempting to bake banana muffins when she realized the batter was a bit watery. However she decided to continue to bake them. The result was that the muffins turned out hard on top and uncooked on the inside. She seemed very disappointed. I felt bad for her. Personally I do not like muffins but I do enjoy waking up to the smell of it. Strange huh? I feel that way about coffee too. My mom used to make it every morning. There is nothing like the smell of Spanish coffee (Cafe Bustelo or El Pilon) in the morning. Coffee is a staple in every Puerto Rican home. Again I do not drink coffee but I very much enjoy the aroma. It brings back a sense of comfort and nostalgia. Good memories. We grew up very humbly but I knew that even if there was nothing else to offer anyone there would always be Coffee, Crackers, and some Cheese. That was enough.! That is the beauty of my mom she is a simple and humble soul. She always seemed very conformed to living a to our minimalist lifestyle. If she did seemed stress by our means she did not show it too much. I wish that I could be more like her.

Will I ever be a mom???

Second entry in one day. Must have a need to talk. My therapist is going on vacation for the next week so I guess I will have to figure things on my own. Well at least for a week anyways.

Nope I am not a mom yet although I have been married for quite sometime. I have thought about this child for so long. At first it seemed it was not the time, then it was but something came up, then it was not the right time again, always something. The thing is that time is not on my side. I am getting older and it is now or never. I am scared. Sometimes I just want to give up on the whole motherhood thing. Then I find myself looking at pregnant women or newborn babies and I want to cry. It seems so easy for everyone else. I am not asking for much. In fact all I ask in life is for this damn depression to leave me alone so I can be happy with my wonderful husband and maybe just maybe be blessed with a wonderful child. That I can teach to be loving, kind and give his mommy kisses.

Just Blue

Just saw a movie called "Julie and Julia" and it inspired me to start blogging. The movie is based on a true story about a woman who decides to blog. Her blog is based on a challenge she made for herself. She loves to cook and decided that she would make a recipe everyday for a year from a cookbook by Julia Childs. I loved the movie. However unlike Julia I do not love to cook. I definitely prefer to eat out. I find cookbooks tedious and cooking messy. I enjoy other crafts but that is not one of them. I can however understand the feeling of enjoying something made by your hands and the gratification of sharing it with loved ones and close friends. So my first entry sounds hopeful. That is not my reason for blogging.

However my motivation for blogging has nothing to do with cooking or crafts. It's about my struggle with depression. Frankly sadness has always been with me for most of my life. Just in different "shades". I know that I can only share my sadness with only so many people without being judged. I have struggled depression for a long time and I truthfully understand the torment of being " in the closet" about it. I wish I could just "come out" to everyone in my family and say I suffer from depression and yeah of course it SUCKS!

The idea of blogging about it scares me. Somehow although you don't know me and I don't know you I feel "revealed". So this is my coming out platform. Until next.