I have had to deal

Today I am looking up on how to deal with a dying loved one. I have had to care for my dad's problems for as long as I could remember. I love my dad and I know he did the best he could but I just never really got to understand him. Now doctors are saying they cannot do anymore and in my last caring for details I am looking up on how to best take care of him when the time comes. I have felt sick for days. I know I have to face a long road of preparations. I have to talk to his doctor about this chemo that may or may not work. At the same time come to terms with the reality of it all. My hope is that he goes quickly and does not suffer much. I have tried all my life to facilitate things for him. Now I feel so a lone and hopeless. I always find a way to make situations a little better or easier. That is what I did as a kid and still continue to do. At times I felt like it was not fair that I had to care for them even as adult but I tried to understand there limitations. Besides after all they are my parents. As I also face my mortality I find this new period in my life mixed with so many emotions. Moms not well either. For the first time in my life I see her slowing down as well. She has rheumatoid arthritis and she is in a lot of pain. I can feel my heart so heavy it scares me.

Not sure how this story will continue and end but I am re visiting every bit of hope, dream and ideas I had for my future. Not sure now if I do have this baby if dad will be around and the thought makes me real sad. At the same time I am thinking that if I do have a child one day he or she will have to go through the pain of losing me. somehow this does not make sense anymore. Maybe I am not thinking clearly right now. I pray for strength, peace and hope for us all.