The sun

Blinds slightly open The sun fighting to get in and I just turn around and snuggle my blankets a little closer hoping to shut it out Finally it teases me and I am forced to consider its warmth faintly hear a voice or two with screams of an innocent child having fun in the sun in the sun are the many dreams I have left behind dreams so out of touch with me a person who I no longer am another time another space another me So please go away and just let me be

A long pause

Time has passed and I totally forgot I wrote this blog. As I read my past post I immediately felt uneasy reading my own words. so much to say and so much pain I have had to go through and yet here I am. I survived all this craziness that was limited to a few sentences here and there. A snapshot of what really went down. The great thing is that I can see strength in me. I have had to endure so much and I am still sick and even sicker from all the issues and complications of this surgery. The doctors call my case highly unusual and chronic. I think most have dismissed me just because they have run out of test and possibilities. I have been through the ringer with test, exams, and trial medications. The side effects have been insanely trying on me and my body. I feel I am not yet stable with the hormone meds and this leads me to swing from moods in a cyclical and taxing way. I have no energy because I do not sleep well and I do not sleep well because the pain wakes me up. I now officially suffer from chronic pain and sleep deprivation. I go to sleep sometimes at 5,6 and even 7 in the morning. I cannot explain this to a doctor or anyone because even I do not understand anymore how I got so sick from a surgery that was supposed to be simple. I fight every day with exhaustion. I crave rest to the point I rather not even eat because I don't want to get up and cook. The thought of even cooking is exhausting. I have severe breathing issues from my paralyzed vocal cord and the doctors have not been able to do anything to help that situation. I have stridor in my sleep. The noisee wake me up and my husband. let's just say thank God he is a sound sleeper. They have tried to say this is psychological and I get so angry at their simplistic and trivialization of my struggle. When I am sleeping and struggling to breathe in my sleep I am not conscious therefore my psychic cannot be controlling my breathing. My labored breathing is evident to my family and friends. I have never even had asthma in my life and never heard of a person struggling to breathe because it was psychologically induced. To even suggest this is ludicrous. Again how can I control or not control breathing problems in my sleep morons. This is the tip of the insanity I have been exposed to by the medical field. I have even doubted myself and all of it has caused me to feel powerless and hopeless. Pretty my self esteem is non existent. It's christmas time and everyone is running around buying gifts and I am trying my best to get my spirits up. I am grateful to a wonderful husband who I do not know where I would be without his support. I am also appreciative of the few family and friends who have lent a supportive ear and shoulder to cry. Despite me feeling so low I can see how wonderful life can be and I strive to better myself as a human being. There is a richness of life that I can experience at times simply because I know how delicate time can be. Nothing is guaranteed and I am learning to accept the new me. It means not looking back and one day I hope to be free of what I hoped for me and accept the new me and try to make her as happy as I can make her be.