Body scan is clear

So I did the body scan it took about 2o min. The results soon followed. Doctor called me in and sat us down it seemed like he was making small talk and I was so scared. I looked at my scans on the screen and I swore there was cancer spread and there. However he asked how I felt and then paused and told me that he would see me in a year. I stood up in disbelief and felt like I was about to collapse. I knew that I should be grateful and I was but I knew I felt like a train had also hit me and wonder if this was how I was going to live out the rest of my life. Hypo and sick. I could not even think my mind is so slow I can hardly articulate much. My breathing is screwed up. and I got severe heartburn that won't let me sleep. Besides that I get this panick inside of me like I am going to die. I cannot explain this feeling it feels like I need air and I want to leave this body. I do not recognize it as my own. It has changed so much. I do feel disconnected from everyone even my husband. I feel he cannot truly understand what I am going through I mean no one can. I am afraid and I do not know who to turn to for comfort and to ease my anxiety. I am not so much afraid of death as I am afraid of the dying. I do not want to be afraid and in pain. well this is all for now.

night before scan

hey,
night before body scan and I kind of can't sleep. I am not sure how this work. I guess I may get results tomorrow as to whether the cancer spread or not. I am praying it did not. Anyway I woke up with nauseau. Yesterday I spent the day crying for myself. So many changes in short period of time it is so hard to adjust to all these medications and doctor visits. I can't imagine what people do when they have children and this type of situation going on. Interestingly I also see through this who can truly give affection and who is uncomfortable with it. My sister is spending more time outside of the house. I felt hurt cause I think she is running away from me. Her friend has offered her a key to stay at her place and at night she has been staying over there and coming in the mornings. I asked her why she was doing this and she says she "needs some a lone time". I get it and I guess I do not. The fact is that she was here over 7 months and did not need a lone time. She barely left this house nor did she like it if we did stuff on our own. She never thought to give us "our space". Now I am sick and I need her around me and she can't deal with it. Does it hurt, I think so. At the same time I just have to focus on myself and get better. I will sort things out later. I know I will get used to being a lone one day it's just a lot has happened and I am scared. I mean I have not returned to my room since radiation treatment. I cried so much in that room during those 3 days that I can't go in there yet. so I am camped out in my living room. Which I do not think Julie likes. I think she feels like we are in her space. That is one of the reasons she leaves. I feel like she has to understand my predicament. She should also be more flex able. Anyway during this time it also has been hard cause I can't really go downstairs as much as I wold like to. My sister in law is now staying with her mom. I am happy she is helping her out cause she also just had surgery. Today she did n0t look like she was in good spirits either she was in a lot of pain. Well I am getting sleepy again and this is a good time. will try to sleep some before I have to get up and deal with the scan situation.

I miss you

Healing how do you begin?

How do you begin to heal? The doctors just tell you what you have and how to get it out but no one prepares you for the What ifs? No one really prepares you for the changes you will experience. No one really tells you how sick you can get. I guess if the doctors did then you would not go through with the procedure. I have never felt so alone in my life. The only thing I can think of is that for every day I have felt alone in this world I have also felt loved. God has let me know that in this time of need he is with me. How can he let me know you say. I say it's as simple as someone sharing their story with me, giving me a word of encouragement, a hug from a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a couch to lay on while I feel sick, a squeeze of a hand, a wink in of the eye, and yes even my health insurance person who patiently helped me today when I did not make total sense.
I am so hypo today my mind cannot think clearly enough. It takes so much energy to talk I get very winded easily. I sound so incoherant at times. I wake up nauseaus and I sleep feeling nauseaus. Can't keep much food either. I feel traped in my own body. If I had a crystal ball and took a peak at this particular time, I do not know whether I would have the guts to go through with this.
Some people recover and I knew it would not be easy for me. However I have a hard time believing I mind or pessimism could have changed my outcome. I walk up from surgery with breathing problems, I woke up from surgery with my vocal branch cut by the doctor, I woke up from surgery with only two parathyroids. So I did not do these changes to my body. My surgeon says he would not have made anything different. His decisions to do what he did was based on me not developing cancer down the line. I just wish the doctors would have searched sooner because then maybe my vocals, lymphnodes, and breathing would have been different. and now my story would have changed. but it is what it is. So since there is no blue print or manual I guess each person writes there own. I have to have faith and strengh in the lord. He is the only person that can pull me through this one.

RAI phase 2

So a lot has happened. It's been now 3 weeks since surgery and I feel like yrs have gone by. Not in terms of quickness but in the terms of volume of things I have had to do for myself along with the emotional roller coaster. Tomorrow I will be going for my radiation treatment. Today was part one. I ingested some radiation today and I was scanned but tomorrow I will get the complete dosage. I have done my best to prepare as best as I could under the short circumstances. My endo was sort of not on top of things. Because he was not I am now extremely hypo. I am forced last minute today the RAI and I was not able to go on the low Iodine diet that reinforces the cell receiving the radiation. I am really weak and can do minimal at this point. My memory is off at times and so is my concentration. I am extremely tired. My doctor want me to do this so I can get on hormones med asap. I am irritable, tired and sleep deprived because of those damn spasm. Doctor says its due to no hormone problem should regulate once I have hormones in me. My breathing is still labored very scary and weird. And my voice well is off because surgeon cut off a vocal branch. This should get better with time but its hard for me to speak at times and I sound very techno or digitilized as one person put it. This should get better with time. However my voice may or may not be the same. Doc said I will know in a couple of months how I will sound permanently.

So given the changes that I have gone threw am I scared of more complications. The answer is Heck yeah. I will try my best to relax. The hardest part of this part of treatment is that I have to be sequestered. So no hugs, kisses and sleeping with hubby for a couple of days. I will try to be more positive and pray a lot. My cup is full. I just have to keep telling myself this has to get better. This is all so exhausting. Well see ya.

Post thyroidectomy

So 1 week and 1 day post thyroidectomy. Yesterday was the hardest so far I was so ill I feared going back to the hospital. But before I talk about that let me try to recapture some details about the aftermath of surgery.

When I got out of surgery I felt completely ill. I felt groggy and my neck felt tight I also felt like I could not breathe right. Which that to me was the scariest feeling so far. The hospital took forever in letting me get to my room. So I spent about 4 hours in the recovery room not really recovering with all the activities going on in there. I spent the night which was nice. I had trouble sleeping because of that drainage tube they leave in your neck for a week. You literally walk around with the excess fluid and blood from your neck and then they have to empty it out every so often Yuck! Next day they bring a roommate in who takes one look at me and makes a not so nice comment. I guess she thought I looked antisocial because I did not say anything to her. The truth was I could barely speak after surgery. My voice sounded like Mickey Mouse. Anyway as we got to talking she wanted to know what I had and I told her. She drove me nuts for two days cause I could hear her talking about me for two days and saying that poor girl is going to die. I forgave her cause I saw she was old and did not know any better. Anyway when it was time to leave I was so happy to. Mom and Dad Picked me up from the hospital they insisted on doing this. They visited for a while then went home. That night I started to feel tingly sensations on my arms , I ignored it then I went to the bathroom and my legs from knee down went numb like and I felt like I had never felt before pin like sensation on my legs. STill went back to bed then it happened again. Except my legs got real hard and ridged. I called for my husband and I told him somethings wrong. We called the surgeon at 3 am and asked and he said go to emergency room. I told them what had happened and they told me my calcium levels dropped. Now my doctor only saved two para thyroids and I knew this could happen. So now 2 more days at the hospital with Calcium pills every 6 hours. I still felt some tingly but it was getting better. First night at the hospital I felt like I was going to get a panick attack. I did not want to be there and I felt so sick and afraid. Next day still more calcium and me gagging every time cause it hurts to swallow. Anyway they finally release me with this calcium schedule of 1500 calcium meds 4 times a day. I start to gag and can barely eat. Eating all these pills on an empty stomach is not easy. Now I wake up and I am nausea all the time and I can't use the bathroom. My friend came over to keep me company and I spent the day miserable and crying. My hands and feet were so cold. I put on gloves and socks to keep me warm. Mind you it's almost july and I am freezing. Anyway by the end of the I take a stool softner and that did it. I spent 3 hours ill after that on the "bowl". After sometime I noticed warmth started to come back in to my hands. That night I felt some relief but I still could not breathe right and felt really weak. So I packed an overnight hospital bag just in case. I managed to fall asleep and today I felt relief. It was the first day I was hungry. So I sort of binged on everything under the sun. It could not have been a much nicer day it was cool and sunny. Right now I am getting sleepy and my neck is hurting me. I believe my nerves are waking up in they are not too happy. Tomorrow I will visit with endo to discuss RAI. Wish I did not have to do this but have to.

Night before thyroidectomy

It's 1:oo am in the morning and everyones sleeping. I am getting a little drowsy because of the half a "k" I took to help me go to sleep. Before I drift off I had to get some thoughts in. I have spent two days cleaning this house. Can't really figure out why the need but it definitely helped with the nerves. I was tired today and I cleaned the whole kitchen and my room. Feel like the house is in good shape. Anyway Julie picked up Reina this morning on her way back from kerry's house. We spent the day watching Alice and Wonderland with Johnny Depp and it was better than I had expected. Then we went to eat at Life Cafe I had this great Mac and Cheese and I could not finish it all. Anyway I left them to go and see John's fam and to tell them about my surgery tomorrow. I told Maria not to come because she is not well herself. I told my mom not to come either because John was going to be there, Julie and maybe even Rain. When I spoke to Marvin I said the same thing that I would see him another time. To tell you the truth it is hard when you have so many people waiting to see. Although I must say I am touched by everyones concern for me.

Anyway I also went to see mom and Dad. We talked a bit and then just before I left mom and dad prayed for me and John. I was expecting to get sentimental but I did not. I feel like I am going through the motions of getting things done. Not sure if it will hit me once i'm at the hospital. Eventhough I told mom to stay a part of me wished she was going to be there. I also feel I have to be grown up and deal with it. The night was nice and definitely hot. I said to John I wish we could drive around all night and then go to surgery he smiled and teasingly answered "you want to". Maybe I feel as long as I do not fall asleep maybe time would stop. I pray all goes well for me. I pray that this is the beginning of me feeling like my old self. I pray that one day I may have a great story to tell.

Weirdly going back to my parents my dad mentioned to me that I should be fine. At first I felt he was being dismissive but then I realized he is just trying to reassure me. I almost felt guilty about the fact that there is hope for me and yet they can't operate on him. Talk about survivors guilt. Dad I just want to tell you here that I love you very much. You mentioned today that you pray that you go in your sleep or painlessly so that all those around you do not see you suffering in a bed and I will pray that your wish comes true. I also do not wish to see you suffer. In the end you said Lord let thy will be done. I guess he is in control and I relinquish it all to him. Amen