Time can't stop

Lately I dream of when I was a child

No cares

Just lazy summers in the grass

I want that innocence back

My concerns where so small

they did seem like mountains at the time

My friend did not want to talk to me

The bully at school picked on me

Bad haircut for school pictures

So trivial

and yet so safe

We were pretty much all ok

alive

and well

yep those were the days

i'ts all set

They phoned me from the hospital to tell me my surgery was set for tuesday. I try to prepare myself but I am really scared. I try not to read what's on the internet but at the same time I cannot help myself. I want to connect with someone who is going through what I am going through. Then I start to read all the horrible stories out there. I start to read that my hair will fall out and that I will have more depression, and gain lots of weight. I am terrified of losing my hair. God I am so scared I wish you could come down and tell me I will be ok. I wish you could tell me in person that you will not give me a cross I cannot bear. I just do not get why me.

Perfect example today I came across my crazy sister in law who attacked me physically. It has been months since the assault. I guess she started to come around again. I am not blaming my mother in law because as a mom she is concerned and after all that is her daughter. However this was not the first time she tried to hit me. The first time I just walked away. She said some mean things to me and I overlooked it for the sake of the family. She never apologized for it either. A couple of months later she come up drunk wanting to hit me. I yelled at her to shut up and leave and that is when she charged at me. Thank God my husband was there so that he could see with his own two eyes what she did to me. She later turned and kicked my sister in the stomach with the heel of her shoe. When my husband defended her she turned on him too and attacked him physically and verbally.

She needs help and I get that. However I do not see her going in to rehab or changing her ways.

What I do see happening is that she will be on her best for now till she get's back in and then she will have her breakdown again and hit someone again. As far as I am concerned I will never trust her again. This may create problems and a wedge between my mother in law and me. However I know I am a good person and all I ever do is give people chances and personally I am tired of being a hypocrite. In the end all I want to be is neutral towards her. I do not wish evil on her but at the same time I do not need her toxicity in my life. Especially going through all the shit that I am going through. Too much on my plate. My mother in law has to know me by now. I have been there for her when she was sick and her daughter could care less. If she chooses to side with her. I wish them well.

I have had to deal

Today I am looking up on how to deal with a dying loved one. I have had to care for my dad's problems for as long as I could remember. I love my dad and I know he did the best he could but I just never really got to understand him. Now doctors are saying they cannot do anymore and in my last caring for details I am looking up on how to best take care of him when the time comes. I have felt sick for days. I know I have to face a long road of preparations. I have to talk to his doctor about this chemo that may or may not work. At the same time come to terms with the reality of it all. My hope is that he goes quickly and does not suffer much. I have tried all my life to facilitate things for him. Now I feel so a lone and hopeless. I always find a way to make situations a little better or easier. That is what I did as a kid and still continue to do. At times I felt like it was not fair that I had to care for them even as adult but I tried to understand there limitations. Besides after all they are my parents. As I also face my mortality I find this new period in my life mixed with so many emotions. Moms not well either. For the first time in my life I see her slowing down as well. She has rheumatoid arthritis and she is in a lot of pain. I can feel my heart so heavy it scares me.

Not sure how this story will continue and end but I am re visiting every bit of hope, dream and ideas I had for my future. Not sure now if I do have this baby if dad will be around and the thought makes me real sad. At the same time I am thinking that if I do have a child one day he or she will have to go through the pain of losing me. somehow this does not make sense anymore. Maybe I am not thinking clearly right now. I pray for strength, peace and hope for us all.

simply unfair

So much is going on I do not know where to start. So doc tells me dad's tumors are getting bigger and that he should do the embolization procedure. He is at risk of a heart attack but he really does not have a choice. I am now juggling our appts.

On my end my lab work came back that something is abnormal with my clotting so I cannot go in to surgery just yet. They also lost my labs so I had to repeat them. I may get answers by Friday. Anyway I am worried about having this procedure and I am also worried about my dad. He does not look so well he weighs now 125lbs and looks very thin. I want to to cry because I feel so much weight and heavyness on my shoulders. Tomorrow I get his pre op lab work done and speak to his doctor about the procedure. As I mentioned my sister is here with me but she does not seem too motivated to help me figure this out with dad. I know she has a thing with dad but I feel at this stage in our life it is time to let go and deal with it. She has never felt that sense of responsibility for my parents do way I do. As they are getting older I would have thought she would have changed but she has not. I am not sure why she is this way and tell you the truth it is not only unfair to me it is upsetting for me to see. I cannot change the fact that she now lives with me and I cannot run away from her. At some level I know I am disappointed with her. I just wonder why God allows so much pain in this world. I do not get it. Right now I am so confused and overwhelmed. I just want to run a way.

Silence in my heart

I am going to lay here very still

My arms will rest by my side

I will not move left or right

I will however

let the wind ease me in to some sleep

I promise

I will be so quiet you won't hear me

I will not cry I will not scream

I will let life be

MY heart can't break anymore

I can hear my heart breaking

I have cried for it all

I have cried so much I cannot cry anymore

Do I think life is unfair

I have to say F........yeah!!!!!!!

I saw dad today

gaunt and very ill

sunken cheek bones don't look so good

Doc says he too has cancer

Can't breathe anymore

Too close too home

want to run away from it all

I tried and there is not much I can do

I am now sick too

God I am not sure where the lesson lies in all this

crying for some mercy from above

I am on my knees and praying for some relief

Rain Lord let it Rain

Wash it!

Wash it all away!

Counting the days

The clock is ticking and I am very present in time. The days seem to go too quickly and I cannot stop the inevitable. I know I should have faith and I do but it does not stop this fear that comes over me. So much conflicting information out on the internet it is hard to distinguish what is what. My nerves are getting to the better of me at this point. No one really wants to talk about the Elephant in the room. I wish I could just sleep until the day of surgery. If I cry it seems like I am throwing a pity party. So I am frozen and just shuffle a long and do the things that a big girl is supposed to do. My sister took me shopping for hospital bottoms and I could care less. I mentioned that dad may have to do the embolization for his liver tumors and she just shook her head. If he does the procedure next week I might still be re covering from my surgery. That is the least. According to doctors with his bad heart he may not make it out or he may end up having a heat attack. The last 3 times they tried he went in to abnormal heart rhythm and they stopped the procedure. Now they still have not determined whether it is cancer but they are still growing. I have a lot on my plate right now. I just do not need this added worry. I guess I cannot control what the guy above decides.