wondering

Today I read an interesting article about someone who had cancer. He happens to have esophageal cancer in the last stage. He also happens to be an author. I was moved on how he described how having cancer affects him, friends, loved ones and even strangers. I wish sometimes my words could articulate completely how I feel. A skill I secretly and openly envy. Cancer changes you like nothing does. I guess if you have not gone through it you cannot really relate. Today I spent the day sick with nausea. I make the decision to ignore it almost like being in denial. This is the only way I can get through the day and enjoy the things I want to enjoy. I now sleep better. The pain and nausea still wake me but I have learned to ignore it. When it gets real bad I get up and sit on the sofa. I barely cry at night anymore or curse "who knows" in the dark. I also read another story about ww2 pilots who were lost at sea for over 40 days. It was one of the most fascinating stories I read. It was around 6 pages short and I tell u I was in such suspense I sat at the edge of my seat. Many times they fell asleep with Sharks circling or nudging from underneath their raft. My mind immediately went to my sleeping struggles with the abdominal pain and nausea. I said to myself the mind is incredible!!! It shuts down whether through exhaustion or will. I said it is powerful. I never thought I could be in such a painful but powerful place. I know it is up to me to get me up and running. I have to be my cheerleader. I have to keep myself distracted from this pain. My pain is the sharks. It threatens to eat me and consume. I have to stand and mentally choose the side to stand on. I can be consumed by this "body war" or I can choose to live. Dad doesn't say much when he sees my pain but he shows me. I read it in his eyes. He is courageous to me. Maybe this is his last gift to me. He is a warrior!!!!!

Words seem empty

I am feeling really low and I do not know how to get out of this hole. I am praying God has not grown weary of my pleads and tears. I am simple folk with a simple plea. I guess I should get in line with the thousands of mothers who are also pleading for health for their children at sloan kettering. My pain is real and I have grown tired of hearing myself feel sick. I moan and groan and it echos. My doctors have quietly turned away they are stumped and do not know what to say. I want to make plans for my future and all I do is make appts to get me through the next day. Too many doctors names to remember, too many dates of important information, too many pills I have tried in a short time. I am here with no Cancer for now so I should be grateful but I am also sick. I never was sick like this for so long. My body seems to have turned against me. Angry I am not sure what. My mind is relentless and plays all sorts of tricks on me. Every time I see a bump I think it could be Cancer. I will have to learn to stop asking Why? Who made that word anyway. It is hollow and hurtful.

Don't care anymore

Why should I try to force a relationship or relationships when they do not come easy. I am tired of pretending it does not hurt. I still feel sick and doctors do not know why? I have faith I just wonder how much more. I see the pain. You just wore me down. I do not believe in you anymore. I can't understand life. I really can't. My head hurts and my heart is heavy

Dad

Dad has been in the hospital for two days now. He started chemo and that night he did not feel well. He waited till the morning and went to the hospital. They said he had had a small heart attack. He is alright now and still in intensive care. I am not sure if he is able to continue the treatment now. Besides worrying about him. I am still in somewhat same predicament in terms of my stomach. I can't sleep because the pain wakes me up and I have the "runs". Every morning I cry because it feels like I have been food poisoned. The doctors are not sure why this is happening and I am sick and tired. I think John is worried and so am I. This has lasted for over a month. I am scared and want to get better soon. I am sending out a prayer for dad and I. I know God is listening and he will give me strength to get through this. Amen

hasta cuando?

Dios mio te estoy escribiende porque no se que mas decir.
Te encuentro silencioso
quisiera sabar que piensas
el porque no tiene sentido
tal vez es mi ignorancia
quien soy yo?
en tus hojos
quiciera saber mi valor
estoy aqui
muy sufrida y confundida esperando tu repuestas
quien so yo?
yo si creo en milagros
yo si creo en ti
crees en Mi?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi y mi situacion
hay alevio en mi futuro?
quiciera saber lo que piensas de mi
te quiero
me quieres?
Si lo pienso asi!

Sleep Escapes me yet again

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I wish the doctors could help me out. For the past mont and three weeks I cannot sleep during the night or during the day for that matter. Once I fall asleep my stomach pains wake me up. At first I thought it was Acid Reflux because it was a burning in my stomach. Now I do not feel the burning as much but the pain wakes me up and does not let me sleep. I crave sleep so bad. I would have recovered better by now if it were not for this problem. Sleeping is critical for normal people let alone someone who is recovering from surgery. Doctor said to me today she never had a patient with a problem to this extent. I dread the night it causes anxiety because I know I wish it were different. The doctor drew blood today and asked me about my Calcium levels and if I felt those symptoms( lip falling asleep) I said no. She tapped on my face and said good no twitch( a sign that would have indicated something was abnormal with my calcium level) She mentioned that if the blood test came back normal then maybe she could cut back on the amount of citracal I am taking. Presently I am taking it 3 times a day with four vitamin D hormones to absorb the calcium. I am hopeful. This would help if my parathyroids kicked in for me. Lord I need me some help. I pray. Dad continues treatment tomorrow. I know he is anxious about it. I could tell in his voice. I wish there was something I could do to ease his mind but I cannot. He does not see a therapist and to tell you the truth should have been on some type of "calming meds" a long time ago. Anyways I will try to lay down and close my eyes again. I envy everyone in the house that is able to sleep. My sister, husband, and even the two dogs that snore.

stomach still not right

I feel like no one can really understan what I am going through. I dread sleeping cause I know it will not be restful. I mean I want to sleep so bad in peace and not wake up to stomach ache and my limbs falling asleep on me. My old life seems so long ago. I watched my husband sleep this morning and I wonder what is he dreaming of. It must be so nice to surrender to the pillow and sheets and know you will wake up better for it. My only escape from this time has been compromised. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but when....????? and how????. I have an appt with my head and neck doctor on sep 3. He will tell me if I can do the endoscopy based on my issues with breathing. Then they will do the endoscopy. My concern is that my voice has not healed completely because my vocal branch was cut. But my stomach is upset and it hurts. During the day I really do not feel hunger. I have a false sense of feeling full. The pain only gets worst when I lay down to sleep. If it's because of all the calcium I am taking I cannot stop. Parathyroids have not kicked in yet. Praying to God it gets better. I take calcium all day and it's not easy. I want to make peace with the changes I have had to make but it is real hard. My husband seems a little out of touch with me. He just wants to be outside. I do not blame him because all I do is cry and complain about my pain. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am tired, lonely and sad.