wondering

Today I read an interesting article about someone who had cancer. He happens to have esophageal cancer in the last stage. He also happens to be an author. I was moved on how he described how having cancer affects him, friends, loved ones and even strangers. I wish sometimes my words could articulate completely how I feel. A skill I secretly and openly envy. Cancer changes you like nothing does. I guess if you have not gone through it you cannot really relate. Today I spent the day sick with nausea. I make the decision to ignore it almost like being in denial. This is the only way I can get through the day and enjoy the things I want to enjoy. I now sleep better. The pain and nausea still wake me but I have learned to ignore it. When it gets real bad I get up and sit on the sofa. I barely cry at night anymore or curse "who knows" in the dark. I also read another story about ww2 pilots who were lost at sea for over 40 days. It was one of the most fascinating stories I read. It was around 6 pages short and I tell u I was in such suspense I sat at the edge of my seat. Many times they fell asleep with Sharks circling or nudging from underneath their raft. My mind immediately went to my sleeping struggles with the abdominal pain and nausea. I said to myself the mind is incredible!!! It shuts down whether through exhaustion or will. I said it is powerful. I never thought I could be in such a painful but powerful place. I know it is up to me to get me up and running. I have to be my cheerleader. I have to keep myself distracted from this pain. My pain is the sharks. It threatens to eat me and consume. I have to stand and mentally choose the side to stand on. I can be consumed by this "body war" or I can choose to live. Dad doesn't say much when he sees my pain but he shows me. I read it in his eyes. He is courageous to me. Maybe this is his last gift to me. He is a warrior!!!!!