I am not me anymore

I don't like the way this situation is turning me into a person who I don't and can't recognize. I am sick every day with this excruciating pain. I feel like I am losing my mind with lack sleep, pain, and misery tied all in one body. I have lost control over my life. Sometimes I fantasize.... If I could go back in time and do things different. Then as quick as I entertain that thought I snap out of it. No! I would have probably still had Cancer and things would have played themselves they way they are right now. That is the way the universe intended it. I hate Cancer for what it has done to my body I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!! All night I am in agony and I even curse them all in my sleep. They said a "simple" procedure and yet here I am one year and a half later in the worst condition of my life. Tears are frozen in my eyes and bitterness consumes me slowly inside. How horrible to be the person to walk around with such anger and bitterness in my mouth and in my soul. I don't want to be touched or consoled anymore or told false reassurances with melodramatic pitying eyes!!!! I have no innocence left I know I am sick and it takes one damn cell to say I want to look different and convince the others that his narcissistic sick view of making my body sick is the best thing that could happen to me. Something in their DNA gets convinced of this propaganda and Just like that Cancer can come back. I hate that I feel this way but how can I put Cancer "behind" me when it is the reason that I am in so much pain to begin with. For the longest I felt so sick and out of control and it was totally hormonal and I did not know it. So much time wasted of my life with very few answers. I thought finally we will get to the bottom and my life will be different. But no once again it has turned upside down. I don't want or need any friends they don't "get me" anyway. To tell you the truth when they complain of colds and minor aches I just can't stomach it. There is an end to that pain. I covet good health like a girl would be jealous over another girls long hair or perfect body. I am ashamed of this but it is what I feel. I pray o boy do I pray for God to forgive my weakness and soften my heart once again. Somehow my pleas echo aimlessly within the walls of my icing heart.

LID

I am on the LID which is a low iodine diet and I have to be on this diet for two weeks. Basically everything has iodine in it so I am limited to wholesome fruits and veggies :) It is the second time on this diet. The first time I was dealing with the stress of my father dying and then he passed and I was still on this diet. I basically did not eat so this was double hard on me. Then I was told the shots were not available to get off the diet. I was so upset I think the doc should have called me to tell me to stop the diet. Anyway Now I am on it again and I am having trouble sticking to it and I am cheating a bit. Sometimes I just eat Matzo crackers and put peanut butter on it because I just don't want to think about it. I do feel more tired than normal but can't be helped. Anyway I know my hubbie is a little stress about the scan because he admitted it to me. I hate that I got Cancer but in a lot of ways it has made me and us stronger. I know he loves me and has seen how much I have been through this year. I feel his love and that is all I need. I know he loves me no matter what. Priceless. I would like to dedicate the song called "God gave me you" by Blake Shelton to him. I love you:)

sadness

Why is it that I feel so heavy. I feel this black hole all around me threatening to consume me. I wish I knew how to let go of it all but it seems like it is such a part of me. Some people are born with good looks, money and or great lives and I just feel like I exist. I am here like the wind passing through life. I miss Dad every day and it is so hard. I feel like some people understand grief and yet no one wants to talk about it. I talk to Mom about Dad but it hurts her too. I really have no friends to talk to about this. I think the few that I have talked to don't really want to hear it. I start the LID diet soon and I am not looking forward to that stress of it. I know I forever have to get tested for cancer and I just have to deal with it. I cannot fall apart every time I have an appt for this stuff. I just feel like it makes me anxious all over again. I will deal with all of it because this too is part of life. I have had to learn this too soon I feel but then again you have babies and children dealing with Cancer at such a young age. Life is not fair I feel but who am I to question this.

Lost

Today makes a month that a huge piece of me is gone. My dad passed away and I knew it was coming but knowing did not soften the inevitable hole in my heart. It feels like such a long time has passed since I have had the surgery and so much has happened. Dad got sick and it felt like I was racing against time. I wanted to hold on to every moment and yet I knew that if I lived like every day would be my last with him then I would never breathe. I had to live in some denial to survive the craziness that I have been through. Stomach pain that would not let me sleep. Then the now joint pain that they do not know where it is coming from and all the while Dad getting sicker and I was not well enough to fully care for him.
I was there when he last took his breath and I saw him leave this earth. How do you describe life exiting a body? It is like trying to explain a birth there are no words you just have to experience it to understand it. Ironically I did not know whether I would be with him in the end and yet I prayed two days before for two things as I cried in the shower. Grant me the strength to help him if I had to be there and please let him not suffer. That is just how it went down. I got there after a distressed call from my mom and I told my husband I had to go over. I saw Dad in not so good shape I called my brother Marvin and we decided the best thing was to call the ambulance. I asked Dad if it was ok and he just tilted his head toward me and shrugged his shoulders. I told him he would be more comfortable in the hospital. The paramedics came very fast. The asked me for the not resuscitate papers and I knew where they were because I had cleaned his room that week and remember seeing those papers and quickly putting them away. Little did I know they would be needed so soon. I quickly gave the paramedics the papers will a sinking feeling in my gut. He tried to help me put on his pants and he could barely lift himself off the bed to slide them on. His last words were to complain that his back hurt him as the paramedic and I tried to lift him off the bed. He looked so weak and frail and I could do nothing. I ran down the stairs and the paramedics opened the elevator door and yelled sir and I said Daddy please Daddy please breathe. Felix was crying too. We loaded on to the ambulance and as we headed to the hospital his face relaxed then tightened. I know he was gone. I remember the paramedics asking us what we wanted to do and we all yelled help him. The paramedic did not much of anything. By the time we got to the hospital they asked us what to do and I said Mom you have to decide then they said he was out for three minutes and I told my mom we have to let him go. Dad always said he did not want to be hooked up to machines and laying on a hospital bed. We took mom to another room when the Doctor said I am sorry my mom started crying in disbelief she did not understand they had stopped working on him. All my siblings got to see him in the hospital before they took him down. That night was a blur and so was the days that followed. The amount of support was overwhelming beautiful. I miss Dad and some days are better than others. I just wish I had one more chance to say I love you!!!!!!!!

Hungry all the time

Oh my Goodness my stomach is testing me all the time now. I go back and forth so much is not funny. During the day I may have stomach cramps and late night I get severe hunger pains and during the night I can get all of the above. The good thing about taking the new med is that I can finally sleep a little more the bad thing it makes me more hungry. I am trying to control the cravings but they are out of control. I am so tired of being in this sick body it aches all the time now and I just don't feel well. I am trying my best to try to understand and accept my new life but I am so frustrated and no one understands what I am going through.
P.s sis got gall bladder removed and is in hospital. Apparently she has been in a lot of pain. Atleast she can take pain killers. Anyway life will get better for me I have to believe it or else I will fall in to despair. One day at a time.

Wishes

Vacant souls with pure hearts
thumping up a storm
Shattered dreams with anchored faces
muddled up and in a roar
Storm weathered with cracked smiles and shovels pilling with salty tears
tomorrow the wind whispers the sky will clear
Behind me I hear mumbles and grumbles
Pockets of rocks mounting all corners
willing my leaded legs to roam they stand as if in quick sand
Frozen wishes are scattered all around me too fragile to touch
I reach and open the window and life lifts me
I closed my eyes so tight and feather flew

Just the way life is

Last year I was so annoyed with the fact that every time I saw a commercial it was related to depression and some new anti depressant drug out there. If you were not depressed you became it by listening to those commercials. Now it seems like I do not even hear the depression commercials because it seems like every commercial is catering to announcing some cancer center and if not then it's some new drug that can affect someone who has cancer or a history of it and if not then it's a law firm saying if you got cancer because of exposure to this or that then call. I wish there was a way that I could pick the types of commercials that come on. Every where I turn, I hear something about cancer it seems like I will always be reminded of it in some way or other.
Anyway I am sleeping better finally I was prescribed medication called Amitriptyline. Ironically it is also used as an antidepressant. In my case the gastro suspects the vagus nerve was damaged during the thyroidectomy. There is no test for it and there is no cure. I can get only symptomatic relief. There is so many things that have gone so unexpectantly with this surgery. Today I walked in the snow and was struggling to breathe. I feel like I have asthma now. John told me to see a speech therapist so she could teach me to breathe better. So much has changed I try not to cry and feel sorry for myself. New years is around the corner and I am afraid to even wish. Last year John said it would be our year and look what happened. I need to pick myself up but I feel really down. God I know you are listening please let things just get better from now on.